From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Mel Pheasant Msg #55, 20-Jul-92 12:45pm Subject: if I had some Novocaine "Where. is. LSd?" Galatea asked Flog, who was slumped over a table, watching his feet dangling over the other edge. "Uh, she's out in the limosine garage, I think, Gala, tryna find something she left in one of the cars." "Would. you. escort. me. there. I. do. not. know. where. it. is. and. it. is. urgent. I see. her?" "Sure, just let me get my feet." Flog struggled to grab his feet, flailing about, and finally falling on his head. "Aha, there they are," he cried, grabbing them. "Let's go." Flog and Gala went through the winding maze of the complex until they finally found the limo garage. After about a half hour they located LSd. "I lost a diamond earring between the cushions, I think... I could get them to look for it but it's three am and I want to wear it tomorrow," she explained to Gala. Both Flog and Gala climbed into the car and perched on the opposite side to LSd. "Oh neat," she cried out. "I found the acid I lost in here last week." She held out an envelope with three pieces of white paper in it. "Here, try it Gala, I want to see what it would do, if anything." Gala obligingly put a piece of acid-soaked paper into her mouth. Flog grabbed one for himself. LSd shrugged and took the last one herself. "Ack," Flog screamed. "Look, a tornado!" "God, you're right," said LSd, slamming the car door shut. The twister spun through the garage, flinging cars left and right and gaining size all the time. Their own car was swept up into the wind and flung clear of the garage. Flog, LSd and Gala all lost consciousness. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: BAD narrator, BAD! Sit! STAY! STAY! (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [55] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Galatea Msg #56, 20-Jul-92 01:06pm Subject: Gala, for short When they regained consciousness, they were all aware that the inside of the car was very dark, but it seemed to be right-side up. "Gawd, gives new meaning to the word 'drug trip'," said LSd. "Gala, are you damaged?" "I. think. not. All. processors. seem. functional. as. always." "Good," said LSd. "So where are we? We can't be too far from the hotel." Then she looked out the window and screamed. "What is it?" asked Flog groggily, and looked up out the window himself. "AARGH!" The car was surrounded by happy little midgets with striped socks. They were knocking excitedly on the tinted windows, which they couldn't see through. "I. will. open. the. car. door." Gala smiled ironically. "If. they. wish. to. eat. us. they. will. discover. otherwise." She opened the door, and as the sun struck her the three gasped. Her psuedoskin was gone, and she was glinting like polished tin. Gala shrugged and stepped out of the car, Flog and LSd close behind. A great cheer erupted from the crowd. "You have killed him!" one of them cried excitedly. "You have killed the Wicked Wizard of the West!" "Huh?" said Flog, squinting into the blazing catherine wheel of the sun. "Your magician's chariot landed on the Wicked Wizard of the West, H. Ross Perot, and crushed him into submission! The democratic process is saved!" The little man seemed very pleased. "I'm Munchkin Bill Klintron, and I can't thank all of you enough. "Ah..." said LSd. "Can you supply us with a driver for our chariot, then? None of us are skilled in this, and our own driver seems to not be here." "Sure," said Klintron happily, clapping his tiny hands together. A munchkin dressed as a chauffeur ran out of the happy crowd and saluted Klintron. "My fellow munchkin, I want you to serve the country for me now and drive these people anywhere they want to go." "Where do they want to go?" "I just want to get home to Death's Place," said LSd mournfully. "Hmm," said Klintron. "You'll probably need to go see the Wizard then, the Wizard of Razrez, which is where you are. If you follow that yellow brick road," he pointed to the gleaming yellow stones, "you'll get there." "Okay," the three said, climbing back into the limosine with the munchkin almost at the wheel and barely at the brake. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: to lie naked in the sand, the silted shadows... (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [56] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: The Wizard Of Razrez Msg #57, 20-Jul-92 01:29pm Subject: because because because because because As they were about to leave, Klintron stopped them. "Wait," he said. "As a symbol of my goodwill, I would like you to take this trophy." He handed LSd a pair of red leather studded fuck-me pumps. "Uh huh," said LSd, putting them on politely. "That's all. You can go now." So they went. As they cruised slowly down the road, the windows rolled down and a gentle hay-scented breeze blowing in, they watched the roadside. "Hey," cried Flog abruptly, "don't we know him?" There was a man, hanging limply from a cross where his clothes held him. He was wearing a dusty black felt hat and there were uncaring crows perched on his head. His goatee flowed down past the peace symbol his belt buckle was. "Isn't that Flop Scowler?" Flog asked. "Stop the car." They all got out of the car and nervously approached the scarecrow- like being that resembled Flop. "Yes," said LSd, "it is Flop, I think, I've only met him once. Should we get him down?" Flop's eyes opened and he looked down at them. LSd jumped. "Ah," said Flop. "What beautiful ladies. I sense from your auras that you are sensitive and worthy." "Let. him. down." said Gala with a glittering metallic smile, and she helped him down herself. "Come. with. us. if. you. wish. We. seek. the. Wizard." "I am sure I can give you guidance, lovely things," assured Flop as they all climbed into the limosine. "This is beginning to feel like something I read as a kid," LSd murmurred suspiciously to herself. "But... if Gala is the Tin Man, where are the others?" "I don't understand what I would be doing here," said Flop, "for I am a scion of true wisdom for certain. Do not question my wisdom for it is much greater than anyone including myself can comprehend." "That. doesn't. make. a. whole. lot. of. sense." said Gala delicately. "You're just being egotistical and evil when you say that," said Flop nastily. "But we're still missing someone," said LSd to herself. "Must keep looking." Just then they saw a man hunched over a computer in a ditch. "I can't do this," he cried out in despair, shaking. "I can't program this... I need some rye! If I only had some rye!" Flog and LSd looked significantly at each other and ordered the car be stopped. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: to lie naked in the sand, the silted shadows... (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [57] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Flop Scowler Msg #58, 20-Jul-92 01:41pm Subject: she ain't me, babe "I need a drink," the man quaverred, clutching his laptop computer. "If I only had some rye!" "We have vodka, akavit, gin, three kinds of rum..." "No, no, I need some rye... Nevermind..." Then he burst into song. "If I only had some rye... I'd program day and night, and my code would never fight, if I only had some rye..." "If. I. only. had. the. speaking. part... I. could. fool. Hugh. into. sex. he. wouldn't. know. I. work. in. hex.... if. I. only. had. the. speaking. part." Gala joined in. "I still don't understand what my part in this is," Flop Scowler grumped. "All my wisdom and yet somehow this all eludes me." "I just want to go home," said LSd, squirming in her red leather fuck- me pumps. She turned from the singers to the window. "Look, Flog, we're approaching a big field of red flowers, how pretty." They rolled down the windows so as to be able to see them better. "Opium!" cried the programmer, who had identified himself as Mel. "I smell opium! Almost as good as rye!" "What. does. opium. do?" asked Gala, obviously lacking some major drug experiences in her memory banks. "Knocks you flat on your back," said Mel, and yawned happily. Soon everyone in the car was fast asleep, and the chauffeur luckily managed to take his foot off the gas pedal. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: to lie naked in the sand, the silted shadows... (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [58] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata Rec'd To: Lady Stardust-Sonata Msg #59, 20-Jul-92 01:52pm Subject: message BINGEING When LSd awoke, she was alone in a dark room. "Oh, awake are you?" asked a screechy voice. "I've got you, my pretty, and your little Flog too." "Hmm?" said LSd sleepily. "I've captured you, using my Golden Flunkies, and I'm going to keep you here until you agree to buy my products for your hotel and casino and put posters up all over the place! And I'll give you a hundred thousand dollars every three months to do it! Am I a friend or what! I'll always be your special friend, LSd, but I'll have to leave you in there until you agree... and if you don't, I'm going to tie up your little Flog and... well... whee!" "Who are you?" said LSd, remembering back to her childhood reading. The Wicked Witch of the West? that sounded about right... "I'm RICHARD SIMMONS!" the speaker cried in joy. "Oh shit," said LSd, and thought a while. "Well, I'll need to talk to Flog, to see him, to know he's okay... and what about the rest of the people I was travelling with?" "I'm forcing them all to work out in my special gym, and I've put them all on Deal-A-Meal! That metal woman could certainly stand to lose a few pounds." "She's made of titanium, I suspect she's not going to lose much." "Oh." "Anyhow, let me see Flog, and I'll then want to negotiate in person," said LSd. Flog was brought to her soon after, and she decided not to type up her plans but just to tell them to Flog, for brevity. The next day, she went to meet Richard Simmons. He was wide eyed and strung out. "I've been drinking a lot of coffee," he said, "although it's bad for me I haven't been able to sleep for worrying that you won't endorse me." "You use a lot of sugar?" "No, it's Sugar Twin, but yes, about seven teaspoons a cup." LSd laughed evilly. "I have had Flog REPLACE your Twin with... REAL SUGAR!" --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: to lie naked in the sand, the silted shadows... (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [59] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Richard Visage Msg #60, 20-Jul-92 02:03pm Subject: last one, I promise, I hope "My waistline! It's melting!" screamed Simmons, running off to the gym. "Too easy," said LSd, rescuing everyone and having the chauffeur drive like a maniac to get to the point of this rambling long sequence of messages that even the narrator is beginning to wonder if will ever end. Finally, they arrove in the Emerald City, Biggest Little City in RazRez, to meet the Wizard. They were ushered with proper ceremony into a small, dark room. Visage was sitting there, smoking a big cigar. "Where's the Wizard, Uncle V?" asked Flog. "I am the Wizard," said Visage. "No," said Flog. "No... no... really?" "Actually, it's my staff mostly, but they call me the Wizard anyhow." "Do you have any rye?" burst Mel. "Yep," said Visage, handing him a bottle. "He IS the wizard!" cried Mel. "Can. you. provide. me. with. a. new. speech. module?" asked Gala. "I suspect my staff can steal the one they use on Star Trek," said Visage. "Yay." said Gala. "Why am *I* here?" demanded Flop petulantly. "I wish I knew," Visage said, and had him thrown out. "Can you get us home?" asked LSd. "Baby, if you're wearing those shoes, I can do anything for you. Just click your heels and I'll come runnin'." LSd sarcastically clicked her heels together, and the whole scene faded into nothingness. She awoke on the floor of the limosine, Flog and Gala collapsed around her. "Man, what a weird trip," said Gala. "I knew that was all you needed," said LSd, "a mind-altering experience." "Did it have to take so long?" The narrator's fingers were sore from typing so much by now, and having taken so long to get around the annoying way that Gala had spoken, and seemed to just stop. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: to lie naked in the sand, the silted shadows... (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [60] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Cadomark To: Frank Zappa, Presidential Candidate Msg #61, 21-Jul-92 01:36am Subject: Skylines; the birds. Cadomark stood still for awhile, watching Flog being hauled bodily away by Galatea. He tried desperately not to let his jaw drop as he watched her departing form, and largely succeeded. It appeared that he was merely smiling quite warmly at the two of them. He walked over to a door that had huge, garish yellow DANGER! signs pasted upon the surface where any casual dimwit would not fail to notice. Inside was a small concert hall, where a small band was playing. "Blazing eyes stalk the night. Cold and hungry in the dark. The battle begins: It's a battle you'll never win. She'll bait the trap. Don't mess with a black cat!" The song continued for a long while, with equally horrid lyrics disguised by extraordinarily blistering guitar playing. As he stood there, enthralled by the music (he was steadfastly ignoring the lyrics) Emmanuel walked in. "Mr. Cadomark," he said, trying to diguise a proud smile, "your office is ready." "Great!" Cadomark replied, waving at the band that was aptly named Cacophony. "Why don't you show me?" They arrived at the office door a few minutes later. Emmanuel threw the door open, and the office appeared the same as before. Everything looked unchanged. "It's a mini-fortress," said Emmanuel, finally unable to contain the smirk that had been threatening to break out on his face all throughout the elevator trick. "Let me show you some of the things you have." They walked over, and Cadomark sat in his high-backed office chair. Just underneath the place on the armrest where the right hand would lie were a few studs. "Press the second one," said Emmanuel, and as he orders were followed, a section of the floor directly in front of the door swung open, revealing a twenty foot drop to a pit filled with long, sharp spikes and a pit filled with poisonous snakes, scorpions and tarantulas. "I had to take the apartment directly beneath us for some of these tricks," Emmanuel said, smiling proudly like a father with his new-born child. "Press the same stud again." The floor swung back into place, and it was impossible to determine the seam. Cadomark noticed a few studs on the floor, near where his feet were placed. Pressing one, the two chairs arrayed in front of his desk were catapulted into the air and smashed against the ceiling. They fell back down to the floor with loud clatters. "Electromagnetic repulsion," explained Emmanuel. "It's more fun if you opened the ceiling first. First-class ejection." Pressing another floor stud, a series of gun-shots rang out and pockmarks appeared on the floor. Looking upwards, Cadomark saw a few holes in the wall, perhaps were secret rifles were mounted. "Auto-aiming and auto-firing," stated Emmanuel, smiling more and more. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: to lie naked in the sand, the silted shadows... (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 From: Cadomark To: Fake People Msg #62, 21-Jul-92 01:57am Subject: Nightlife is life. "Oh, and if you press the buttons in combination, Mr. Cadomark," continued Emmanuel, "you'll notice that you'll have even more surpises. You should be able to hold off a small army, especially with the... well, I won't tell you. It would ruin the surprise." "Thanks, Emmanuel. How can I repay you?" "Well," started Emmanuel, and then his voice dropped to a whisper, "we could really use some GUNs. We heard that you were trying to import some, and although we can arrange for safe transport, we don't have the capital to swing it. So, if you'll buy some for us, we can make sure you get them safely. Deal?" "Sure. You know I support you guys." "Long live the rebellion!" shouted Emmanuel. "No, wait! Uhh, success! Yes, that's it. Success for the revolution. Yes." He wandered off, thoughtfully tapping his nose, pondering nobody knows what. He stuck his head back in the door. "Oh, and have you eaten your bananas yet?" he asked. The helicopter returned, and he jumped through the window (breaking it again), caught the rope ladder, and was carried away. Bemused, Cadomark randomly pressed another stud. Sharp spikes shot up everywhere on the floor. The stud seemed to be stuck, so he settled down for awhile to read the paper. "Foreign Government Suspected in Funding Recent Rash of Child Murderers!" screamed the headline. The article outlined how the funds of a certain country, through a swiss bank account, had been traced through and found to be utilized in a large purchase of weapons. There were interviews with sobbing parents, hardened criminal children, and an irate store manager who complained for a long time about lack of tacoshells. Noting that the spikes had now gone down, he cautiously walked out of the office, locked the door, and went back to the main lobby. He put in another phone call on a payphone, using stolen quarters, and ordered another shipment of GUNs, with a large side-order of AMMO. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 From: Hugh Jardon To: Nobody In Particular Msg #63, 21-Jul-92 05:22am Subject: Don't try to outdrink a robot. Hugh woke up a few hours later, still in front of a roaring fire, with a headache the size of his quarter of the hotel and casino shares. "First, a cut scrotum, and now this..." Hugh muttered, massaging his entire head. He stumbled to his gourmet kitchen, found a crate of Tylenol 3's, and took a handfull with a pint of water. He looked at the time. "Shit! The construction crew should be here in five!" He grabbed another shirt with "The Dead Milkmen" printed on it, and took the elevator down a few floors. The boys from "Armageddon Construction" were already waiting for him. He pulled out the plans, and spoke briefly with the foreman about his plans for the customization of the apartments. "This has to be another award-winning design, you understand. That's why I'm keeping things rather sketchy, and we'll make changes as we go along, all right? "Same as always, right Mr. Jardon?" "Exactly. Now start up, I'm going to grab a bite to eat, and wake myself up." Hugh stepped into the elevator and plummeted 100 floors to the mezzanine level of the hotel. On this level, there were some 50 gourmet restaurants, of varied types of cuisine. Everything from Dunn's Deli, to the "Chateau Gourmant", where Cordon Bleu chef's were brought in from France weekly to strut their stuff. Hugh chose a small cafe style restaurant for a Continental breakfast. "A triple espresso, and 2 croissants, please." Hugh said. The codeine was starting to take effect, and as such, he felt quite good now. He started to remember his unstoppable lust for Galatea, and wondered where she was now. The waitress came back with Hugh's custom 800mL triple espresso tumbler, and two croissants. He left a $100, and started into his breakfast, when a lady wearing lots of leather and lace entered. Hugh's eyes pretty much popped out of his head when he saw this blonde buxom beauty. He could immediately tell that this woman had class like royalty, and money like himself, but where had he seen her before? She seemed familiar, but was definitely new. Hugh gulped down his espresso, and walked over to say hello. ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Flog Sonata To: Lacy Lover Msg #64, 22-Jul-92 11:49am Subject: Your Cue... Meanwhile, in another part of the Casino, Crass Nirvana was beating Bob Rae over the head with a blunt instrument. "I hate politics! I hate politics!" he chanted as he reduced Bob Rae's head to a red pulp. It dawned on Crass that he'd killed the little bugger, and that this was the 2nd time Bob had been killed in the Casino. "Damn," Crass muttered, "he'll probably never wanna come back now, even with the half-off on all hotdogs coupon." The elevator doors opened and Flog came out: "Oh shit, is he dead again?" Flog moaned. "I couldn't help it," Crass growled, "socialism is wrong. Unions, FEH!" "Uh, aren't you on UIC right now?" "Shut up and help me find a place to dump the body." "Hey," Flog said, "I don't wanna be an accessory to murder." For some reason, this spawned a strange thought pattern in Flog: Accessory to murder, like a lovely pink hand bag and big gold loop earings, and perhaps bright red fuck-me pumps and... "We'll just stuff him somewhere until we can get Reg to bring the little peckerhead back to life again." So they stuffed Bob into a laundry basket and put the bag into a closet. "Did you ever see that movie 'Weekend at Bernie's'?" Flog asked. "The one where lots of wacky stuff happens with the corpse of the owner, Bernie?" Crass asked "Yup." "Why you asking me that?" "No reason, I'm sure." It was at this moment, as Crass and Flog got into the elevator and headed downstairs, that a cleaning woman went into the closet, found the laundry hamper, and wheeled it off to who knows where. Meanwhile, Cadomark sat in his ARSENAL OF DOOM realizing that no one really wanted to go into his office. He had all this technical nastiness, but no one wanted in, no one thought of going in, and of the hundreds of thousands of rooms in the building, the very last one any one would probably want to go into would be his office. "Damn it," Cadomark said, "I've got to figure a way to lure someone in here so I can try out this stuff." His thoughts turned to EVIL. (dramatic organ chord here...) --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: to lie naked in the sand, the silted shadows... (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [64] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here From: Hugh Jardon To: Lacy Lover Msg #65, 23-Jul-92 03:12am Subject: I'll make this even *more* obvious She sat poignant, and pointed... everywhere. A long cigarette filter dangled from her fingers, as ashes drifted down to her black leather stiletto-heeled boots. Hugh checked himself over, brushing off the croissant crumbs, and walked over. "Excuse me, but I know I've met you before... aren't you the one who ordered the customized apartments, which are being constructed right now?" "Boy that's an original line", she said, smiling. "Hugh, don't tell me you've forgotten me already?" Cadomark, meanwhile, was pacing his office, wondering what kind of magnet he could find to lure some unknowing soul into his office. He considered the possible victims, and was unsure on who would be the best candidate... Of course! Well, it wasn't a nice thing to do, but Reg could always bring him back to life if it was necessary... Cadomark lifted the phone, and dialed another room. "Hi, Richard? Yeah, could you come to my office please? I just filled a punch bowl to be taken to another room, and I need help lifting it." --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: The embryotic whale, and the monkey with no tail. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** There's a reply!. See #66. [65] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Cadomark Rec'd To: Hugh Jardon Msg #66, 23-Jul-92 05:31am Subject: Whu-huh? No... Cadomark hastily redialed, and asked Richard not to drop by. He had a far, far better idea. First, he called in a number of the guests, and tried some new combinations of buttons on them. Emilio Estevez was sprayed with high-pressure streams of honey, and then had a large load of African army ants dumped on him. He ran from the room, screaming in agony, swatting at himself in desperation. Pat Sajak had his other ear clipped in a matching fashion with a water-laser, then was given a free flying lesson... through the office window. Rosanne Barr-Arnold-Whatever managed to stop a very heavy wrecking ball with her body, but didn't count on it swinging through the ceiling, coming back and nailing her from behind. Alex Trebek was deafened by tiny yet powerful speakers that were wedged into his ears. They kept playing the theme-song to Jeopardy until he fled the room, screaming in an insane fashion while clawing at his ears. A Toon from Toonville was subject to a concentrated spray of xylene, isopropanol and methanone. The very powerful solvents made a mess of it, but fortunately, some jets of warm water appeared to rinse the foul substances clean from the floor. Warm air wafted down from the ceiling to dry all the affected surfaces, and soon there was neither sight nor scent of the last foul deed. Cadomark rubbed his hands in evil glee, and cackled demonically. A tense organ note sounded through the air, but he silenced it with a vicious glare and gesture. Don Cherry was forced to juggle hockey-pucks studded with razor blades. Eventually, Cadomark had him sand-papered to death. It appeared that the consoles responded to Cadomark's thoughts rather than outright pressed. The last few demises seemed all too appropriate. "Well, then, I'm going to have to prove this," thought Cadomark to himself, starting grin in a most evil fashion. He stroked his chin in thought, then picked up the phone. "Flog?" croaked Cadomark, "could you come over to my office? I've got some GUNs here that just came in..." He desperately tried to suppress an evil cackle, and almost succeeded. He hung up the phone and waited patiently for more guests to arrive. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: The embryotic whale, and the monkey with no tail. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** Witty reply to msg #65. [66] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata Rec'd To: Cadomark Msg #67, 23-Jul-92 10:31am Subject: murder by numbers As Flog was heading upstairs to Cadomark's Death-O-Rama, Reg tapped him lightly on the shoulder. "I'm very tired," Reg said, his bony jaw lying slack on his breastbone after the words. "Even I have limits, you know. I actually think that little guy upstairs, the one with the platinum card and the taco shells, I think he's gone totally insane." He held up a warning finger. "Normally," he said, shaking it as loudly as a craps table, "normally I would approve of such things... brings a tear to the old eyes..." He delicately wiped away a tiny bloom of flame trickling down his cheek. "But... he'll wear me out, I'm not used to this positive energy bullshit." "What are you talking about?" asked a woman who might have been LSd. "Yeah, what?" asked the other woman who also might have been LSd. Reg sighed. "You see, I'm soooo tired I can't even tell them apart... I can't figure out which one of them has a soul." "I suspect neither of them," Crass said quietly to himself. "What?" said everyone. "Nothing!" said Crass brightly, a huge false game-show smile pinned savagely to his face, some kind of artificial butterfly trapped by a too eager entomologist. "I'll go dye my hair," one woman pouted. "If that'll help anything." "That one's LSd," said Flog, grabbing LSd and enmeshing his hands in her hair. "You will not be blonde." "I've always wanted to be blonde," LSd said dreamily. "I bet blondes don't have to think a whole helluvalot... it'd be a nice break... but *staying* blonde would be annoying, I suppose... ." "So, Madam, Sirs, can't one of you do something about him?" Reg asked, slumping into a chair. "What *are* you talking about, Reg? You haven't actually told us what the problem is." "That little Cadomark guy keeps killing off the guests. Someone went flying out the window, and a number more are reported missing. I don't mind ressurrecting them in exchange for watching them die, or something, but he won't even let me watch..." the flame bubbled out of his eyes like honey left in the sun. "Cadomark?" Hugh gasped. "He's killing off the guests?" "Gawd, we've got to do something, I guess..." "I'd just keep raising them," Reg sobbed, "but all this positive energy is so weakening..." He collapsed in a heap on the thick red carpet. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** Witty reply to msg #66. [67] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Flog Sonata To: All Msg #68, 23-Jul-92 12:00pm Subject: Snicker Snack. "I have a plan," Flog tittered. Cadomark sat in his office, feeling like a god. He had all these neat gadgets that would make even James Bond go pink with embarassment at his mamby pamby wrist watch things. This was POWER. And then there was a knock at the door. Cadomark could hardly resist bursting out into joyous laughter. "Who is it?" he said in a sing-song voice. "It's me, Flog," said a voice. "Come in!" Cadomark chortled. A figure dressed all in black, looking very much like Flog walked in. "Die!" screamed Cadomark pushing all the buttons at once. Fire sprayed from the walls, acid geysered from nozzles in the floor, bullets rained down from the ceiling, and some really bad muzak burbled away. The barrage continued for a few minutes then stopped. the figure was unharmed. "Gee, what a refreshing airconditioning system you have," said the person who might be Flog. "I... I don't understand it," Cadomark wailed. "Well, just wanted to pop by, see ya a bit, and that's all." Flog said, and left the room. Cadomark quickly called up Emillion or whoever the hell it was that installed the electronic killing devices in his office. Flog walked out, and got into the elevator. "It worked!" said a voice, very much like Reg's. "Yup. Now can I get out from inside your ribcage?" Flog crawled out from between Reg's bones, and pulled the skull-helmet off his head. "Gee, Reg, next time I wear a skeleton, I'm gonna want a bigger size... Ouch." The body of Bob Rae had somehow ended up in the brothel. "Oh, Mr Rae sir," cooed a large breasted lady of the night, "come in, come in... love what you've done to your head. Very punk. No one will recognize you." She dragged him in, had sex with him for hours, took his wallet, then sent him on his way. Being dead, his body simply collapsed in the hallway. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: I am NOT gonna die for Cadomark! (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** There's a reply!. See #69. [68] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Cadomark Rec'd To: Flog Sonata Msg #69, 23-Jul-92 02:22pm Subject: Money back guarantee. Cadomark got on the phone to Emmanuel in a hurry. "You never told me you had fake stuff in there!" he rasped, extraordinarily annoyed. "What do you mean?" asked Emmanuel. "Flog came in here, and he didn't die. I pressed everything at once, and all this neat stuff came out, but he didn't die. Get over here and fix it now!" Cadomark hung up the phone with a slam, and waited very patiently, rather spider-like in his lair. A long time passed. The sun set. The moon rose. The moon set. The sun rose. More time passed. Cadomark, sitting very motionless all the while, waited patiently. Eventually, a helicopter could be heard approaching. Emmanuel climbed through the window, and was shocked and dismayed at the blood shot look in Cadomark's eyes. "FIX IT!" he rasped, pointing with a finger at the ACME Console Of Doom. Emmanuel got out some tools and got to work. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- He finally finished when the sun started to set again. He put down the last floor panel in the center of the room, turned to Cadomark and said, "I don't understand. Everything's in working order." Cadomark mashed all the buttons at once. Great gushing geysers of flaming oil launched out of nozzles on the wall and sprayed onto Emmanuel. Firecrackers were jammed up his nostrils and set alight. He was wrapped up in cotton sheets, which were then washed in hot water. His chest hair was yanked out slowly with remote controlled tweezers. His reflexes were continuously checked with a sizeable hammer applied to the kneecap with vigour, and finally, he was placed into a tumble-drier set on high. "Well, it seems to be working fine," thought Cadomark to himself, randomly launching bolts of flame, sprays of acid and volleys of bullets to kill a slight insect infestation that had followed Flog in. "I don't get it." he muttered. He picked up the phone again. "Flog? Yes, it's Cadomark. You forgot your wallet in my office. Would you like to pick it up?" --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Dead Bob Rae and his Divine Porkchop. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** Witty reply to msg #68. [69] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. From: Flog Sonata To: All Msg #70, 24-Jul-92 12:30pm Subject: Oh shit... "He wants me to go back in again," Flog moaned to Lsd and Reg. "Well," Reg said, installing his left knee cap, "What can we do? I don't wanna hafta take myself apart again." "I'll go get the Bob Rae body and throw it in!" Flog said. "You didn't kill Bob Rae again, did you?" Reg growled. "It was Crass, he did it. Find him." "Hey, what's up?" Crass said, walking into the scene. The office door opened and in came Crass. "I am Flog, I am Flog," Crass said dazedly. It was obvious that Reg had beaten him up and told him he'd have to go into the office in place of Flog, in punishment for having killed Bob Rae again, and having lost the body. CAdomark, fortunately, was too excited to check if it really was Flog, and pressed a bunch of buttons. Unfortunately, Crass passed out from exhaustion, and fell outside of the room, where he was safe. The devices, ordered to attack, were confused. The couldn't find anyone to attack, so they attacked Cadomark, the only person left in the room. "No, no..." Cadomark wailed, as he was pounded into jello by a huge metallic fist. Reg, Flog and Lsd peered over Crass's slumped body into the office of Cadomark. "What's that red blob of jello?" Lsd whispered nervously, afraid the machines in Cad's room would come to life. "I think that's Cadomark," Flog said. "Why's Crass pass out?" Reg asked. "I think he drank half a wine cooler to give himself courage before coming up here," Lsd said. "Sad," Flog said, "the symbol of man, destroyed by his own machines, in a plush office with a really nice leather chair! Wow, do you think Cadomark would mind if I took it? I mean, it'd go great next to the couch in my apartment." "No, you can't take it," Reg grumbled, "I'm going to bring the little dork back to life, but slowly, so he'll know I'm tired of bringing all these people he kills back to life. God, just bringing all of Roseanne Barr back was tough. The lady has nipples the size of fire hydrants! All that flesh, jesus..." And so Flog, LSd, and Crass (when he woke up from his drinking stupour) watched Reg slowly bring Cadomark back to life. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: She's got a Louisiana liplock on my love porkchop (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [70] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lance Cankers Rec'd To: Flog Sonata Msg #71, 24-Jul-92 02:29pm Subject: remember \Abbots? Lance stepped hard on the brakes of his rusting Tercel and felt the shitbox squeel to a halt. To his right, a gold and crimson flaming structure stood with flames beating into the night. The heat was enveloping everything within 50 yards, so he rolled up his window and closed the sunroof. Deciding to investigate, the new guy in town backed his car across the street, squashing a helpless Fluffybunny as he parked across the road in front of a well lit and new looking establishment. Cautiously stepping closer to the curb nearest the blaze, Lance noticed the remnants of a sign that read: Spike's Bar. As he stared in awe, the searing sinews of dancing combustion beginning to burn the flesh of his exposed bodyparts, a brittle but featherlike grey nearly crumpled piece of parchment floated out only to land on the sidewalk in front of him. Faintly in the distance, Lance heard the drowning sound of a fast-melting Wurlitzer playing what he thought was Kiss' Firehouse, and somewhat subconsciously, in the far distance, the rumble of two motorbikes racing away at the speed of sound shook him back to reality. He bent down and read the almost illegible invitation to the all new casino across from Spike's place. It sounded like just the place to forget all his troubles, so Lance attempted to pick the remains of the paper up, to no avail. It crumbled into ashes and was sucked into the gorging fire with a fury befitting the devil himself! Spike's exploded sending shards of timber and mortar everywhere, and the Canker Man was no exception. Landing with a thud against the building across the street, he slowly picked himself up and brushed off the soot and ash, to be greeted by Hugh, part owner of Abbot's, with a smile. "Come on in, the first drink's on the house!" he spewed, wiping the sweat off his brow as he felt the temperature outside rise in the street. "I could use a drink or 10 right about now" mumbled Lance as he hobbled into the flashy parlour which lay ahead. "Let's see just what this place has to offer...." and the door slammed shut behind him. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Cankeropolis (1:163/218.0) SEEN-BY: 163/110 135 166 207 218 222 227 266 277 290 305 405 410 518 243/5 SEEN-BY: 243/9 From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Lance Cankers Msg #72, 24-Jul-92 04:24pm Subject: a life for the stars Hugh, Flog and Lance went off to get very drunk. Gala went with them. "Reg," said LSd, when they were alone, "I want you to do me a favour." She looked up at him under her long glittery lashes. "Oh?" said Reg suspiciously. She kept looking at him and he began to feel nervous and hot. "What would that be?" "Come with me," she said, taking his bony hand and leading him off to one of the many nightclubs. Choosing a deserted one with an outside terrace, she stopped. "This one," she murmurred softly. "This one." She approached the bouncer. "You, make sure no one comes in here without my permission." "What about Mr. Sonata, Mr. Nirvana, or Mr. Jardon?" he asked, trembling at the thought of having to confront one of them. "Oh, that's all right, just no guests." "Uh, yes ma'am." LSd pressed a $100 chip into his hand. "Now Reg..." said LSd. * * * The man looked like a striped sentient barrel. He was about five foot six, wearing a black pinstripe suit out of vanity, for it surely hadn't fit him in twenty years. Flesh bulged out obscenely, like he was a discreet and involuntary flasher. His eyes were sunk back in his doughy face like raisins. His arms stuck out listlessly, almost trying to escape the horror of the rest of the body. His nose was sunburned and peeling; it resembled nothing so much as the wallpaper of a cheap motel. His name was Willard Clindell, and he was from Texas. He had been terrorizing the nightclub LSd had commandeered: ordering gallons of difficult drinks, sexually molesting the bartender and sitting on the bouncer. He was coming there now, to order a gross of Purple Dragons, a drink LSd had had designed for herself. "Eh, what's awwl this?" he demanded of the bouncer. He tried to grab the bouncer's throat but the sweat from walking to the club had made his hands too slippery. "What's the dawr doin' shut?" "Ms. Stardust-Sonata is entertaining some special guests in there," the bouncer squeaked uncomfortably. "She told me notta let anyone in there." "Well, it's not like I'm jest anyone," Clindell snapped. "Ahm shure she'd be heppy to see me, Ahm puttin so much gawddamn cash inta this place." "No sir, she said..." but Clindell was too slippery, and had picked the locked door. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: She's got a Louisiana liplock on my love porkchop (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [72] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: The Historian Msg #73, 24-Jul-92 04:40pm Subject: elitism? where? "Mr. Clindell, you really shouldn't..." the bouncer tried to grab the slippery fat American, but Clindell greased on by. "Don' tell me shawdn't, bawy," he snapped, bursting into the room. He saw a young woman, with dark red hair and glittering eyelashes sitting at his favorite table. With her were four men. The first man looked brash and cheerful and American. His hair was white and so was his beard. His shirt was striped and rumpled as from sea and sky. The second man was smoother and richer, also smiling. His smile had a strangely ineffable quality to it, as though for a second he was agreeing to be your emotional bodyguard. He was dressed more elegantly, in gray striped tails and polished black shoes. The third man looked more tired than the first two. His grayed hair was in his eyes; his beard with in his drink. But his mouth was sensual and his eyes were humane. The fourth man, sitting across from the first and also next to the woman, had grayed temples and his hair was slicked back from a high, straight forehead. He had a curious squiggle of a moustache and round thick glasses. His cardigan sweater was hunched around his waist. The American, Willard Clindell, stood stock still for a moment, his mouth slack and drooling. The woman stood up, annoyed. "I am Lady Stardust-Sonata," she said, her full lips pursed. "I gave instructions that no one was to interrupt." "Buh-buh buh..." said the American. LSd smiled a little and said, "I'm being rude, I must introduce you... Mr..." "Clindell," the bouncer supplied like a gunshot. "...Clindell," said LSd, "Meet Ernest Hemmingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, D.H. Lawrence and James Joyce." "I recognized Hemmingway," the American burbled, "I met him once... before he died... they're all dead... aggggghhh..." With a gurgle the American fell to the floor. "Shall I?" asked Reg, as the four writers made to go to help Clindell. "No, don't bother," said LSd, "just have him moved somewhere more convenient for him to be found." The writers sat back down. They were men of imagination, and they had all seen too much to be shocked by the death or by LSd's callous reaction to it. "More brandy?" LSd asked, signalling for the bartender. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Not quite your class, I'd say, dear, on the whole (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** There's a reply!. See #74. [73] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here From: Cadomark To: Reginald Msg #74, 25-Jul-92 03:46am Subject: Pass the pick-axe, ma. Cadomark sat slumped in a corner of his office, still shaking, hours after the effects of death and resurrection had had to have worn off. It wasn't every day that one died, but he seemed to be having an unusually hard time adjusting to it. He sat there and shuddered while his office was slowly looted, and eventually there was nothing left at all, save the myriad numbers of concealed lethal traps. He cursed his fate when he realized that the only person who could have possibly dismantled the traps was too horribly mangled to ever be brought back to life again. The room was possibly one of the most lethal ones ever devised by mankind, and now that the controls had been removed, along with all his office supplies and equipment, he was now subjected to the slightest whims of whoever sat in the chair and pressed the buttons. Never before did the room look that big. Eventually working up enough nerve (and making sure that his platinum card was safely stowed away) to stand up, he dismally surveyed the scene. It was at least 30 metres to the door and a safe exit, perhaps even 40. With a worried glance at the ceiling, he started on his way. Within seconds, an air driven cannon started firing marbles at him. A number of the projectiles pelted him, but he was so caught off guard that the impact was sufficient to knock him down. He crawled along a little further along the floor. Out of maniacal boredom, he suddenly stood up and ran for the door. Nothing else happened. All was calm. He pulled the door shut and locked it very tightly, then got into an elevator and punched the main floor. A setting sun later found him slumped at the bar, pouring his soul out to Brandy Nipples while drinking himself to a stupor. "And, and, and then I had him coated with tar, and then I, I, I... I" "I know, Cadomark," she said soothingly, reaching across the bar to rest a hand on his shoulder comfortingly, while looking into his eyes, if only to see if there was still life there. His extreme remorse and mental misery seemed to bring out some instinct, some emotion she hadn't felt in a very long time. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Not quite your class, I'd say, dear, on the whole (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** Witty reply to msg #73. [74] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Hugh Jardon To: Lance Cankers Msg #75, 25-Jul-92 09:04am Subject: 1000 Welcomes Hugh, Flog and Lance happily skipped through the hallways of the hotel and casino, scoping out women (well, none of them were *really* looking, but it was fun to think so). Along the trip, Hugh brought them to a room that Flog didn't know of earlier. "Hey, Flog... check this out", said Hugh, opening a door with a fingerprint scanner, PIN keyboard, and passcard. Flog looked in and his jaw dropped, crushing a small spider into the plush carpet. Hugh had to pick Flog's jaw up before a cleaner named Steve swept it away on his pass with the UltraSuck Vacuum System. "I've *never* seen so many pinball games in my life!" cried Flog, his lower lip trembling. Hugh handed him a pass card. "Just pass the card into the slot on the machine, and you can play all the games you want", said Hugh, the thousands of little lights in the room twinkling in his eyes. "And what's even better", he continued, walking to one end of the vast room, "is this!" Hugh pressed another PIN keypad, and a whole wall opened up, revealing a shooting range with various targets. At one side of the range sat a small Hugh pressed another PIN keypad, and a whole wall opened up, revealing a shooting range with various targets. At one side of the range sat a small (25 foot) bar, fully stocked, of course. "What's yer pleasure, Flog?" "Uh... Newcastle, if you don't mind." Flog fondled his GUN, his index finger twitching. Hugh opened a door of the under-bar fridge revealing 10 cases of Newcastle. "And how about you, Lance? Care for a drink? Don't worry, this is on me... and don't hesitate to ask for just about anything you like here... that's what Death's Place is for." --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Not quite your class, I'd say, dear, on the whole (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [75] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Lance Cankers Msg #76, 25-Jul-92 11:38am Subject: tracking with closeups Flog, drained by pinball and shooting, flopped down at the bar. "I think I'd like another beer," he slurred. "You'sh had aber 23 awredy," mumbled Hugh, deep in the dregs of his third Guinness. "So Lansh, tell ush about hows you founds this plash." "I was... urp... down by the ol' place... Sp.." "Don't shay it!" screamed Flog, slapping his hand over Lance's mouth. "Don't shay the 's' word! Sets off all kindsha trapsh and shirensh and everythingses... s'terrible..." "Oh," said Lance, giggling. "Well, I wash down dere, washing it burn, an I shaw yer telegram sho I came by right away." "Sho how many years was ya travellin'?" "It's jess across the street!" protested Lance. "No-oh," said Flog. "It'sh a good five lightyearsh away. We did a lotta shtuff before we came here. The 's' plash is in shome backwater galaxshy. You mushta found a wormhole or shomesing." "Oh," said Lance again. "Hee hee," giggled Hugh, and slipped under the bar. * * * Cadomark too was deep in another drink. Brandy smiled at him and felt within her the stirrings of maternal or sororital impulses. Cadomark was like the mischevious little brother she'd never had. "Cad," she said softly, a strange glow in her eyes, "I'm really glad that we can just be friends." "..and then the rocky road icecream, it was terrible... what?!" "I'm glad we can just be friends. Every man comes in here and looks at me with dripping lust -- well, except for Mr. Flog, of course, and they all want to sleep with me. I'm really glad we can just be friends and I never have to worry about you fucking up our friendship by wanting sex from me." "Oh," said Cadomark, totally crestfallen. "Of course, I too look lustfully around, but I promise you, cross my heart and everything, that I'll never fuck up our relationship with sex. Even if we were the last two people alive, I wouldn't want to destroy the rare and precious flower of our comraderie." "Oh," said Cadomark again. "In that case, give me five shots of akavit. If I'm gonna be incapacitated, let's have it be total." Brandy's eyes held a hint of smugness as she poured Cadomark's drinks. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Not quite your class, I'd say, dear, on the whole (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** There's a reply!. See #77. [76] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here From: Cadomark To: Other People, Too Msg #77, 26-Jul-92 12:45am Subject: They've got HUD's on this one Cadomark downed an akvavit, and the foul chemistry going on his stomach nearly killed him. "Dying's something you get used to awfully quickly," he muttered, tossing down another glassful. He'd had far too many drinks already in a very short while, yet was drinking with total abandon. "So, you want to be my friend, huuh?" he demanded belligerently. "You know that my friends seem to have this odd habit of dying or getting killed or something, you know." She was too wrapped up in her own smirking to notice the final comment aimed at her. She busied herself with another customer who appeared, eyes agoggle. She sighed, and kept on pouring. "I mean, I made an office, and I had certain protections installed, in the event that GUN dealing fell through. I mean, we all need a little self defence every now and then..." he said to the bar quite animatedly, his voice beginning to slur. "And then, and then... I went insane, and I tried to kill everybody I could, and I, and I, an'..." He downed another drink, and tottered away from the bar when Brandy wasn't looking. He had an odd urge to be alone for awhile, perhaps only to retch... but the lights dimmed, and everything went dark. He woke up to find himself lying in his bed. The sun was streaming through an open window, which meant a large number of hours had passed. He turned to his side and almost jumped when he saw Brandy sitting in a chair nearby, gazing at him in a manner that might resemble concern. "Whu, uh, what are you doing here?" he finally managed to spit out, realizing all too late that one should not talk at a volume louder than a whisper when one had a hangover that crashingly huge. She looked at him askance. "So I was concerned," she replied. "Sue me." Cadomark looked at her blankly. "Well, you had far more drinks than a person your size should have. I'm surprised you didn't die from it, really, and you might have if you didn't regurgitate much of it after you passed out." "Oh, uh..." Cadomark replied sagely. "Well, really, you know you're not quite all that bad. You're not the evil incarnate you tried to convince me you were last night." She turned to walk out of the room, then turned back for a moment to say, "And don't try that evil incarnate series of lines to pick babes up. It doesn't work." She left the room with a very wry smirk pasted on her face. Cadomark looked down at himself, and cursed his human weakness when he noticed that the odd geometry of the sheets was not caused only by wrinkling... --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Not quite your class, I'd say, dear, on the whole (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 From: Cadomark To: Rooster-Ryu Msg #78, 26-Jul-92 01:03am Subject: They say you wanted firearms. A few hours later, Cadomark had managed to commandeer a new apartment for an office, and this time settled only for barbed wire as protection, realizing that overkill was a very, very bad thing. He made up a sign and put it up on his old office door. It said, "Disposal" in big, bold letters. (Helvetica font, even.) He dialed out to Emmanuel's next of kin, and quickly made up a story. "Uh, yeah... that's right. Uh huh. Yeah. Yep. Yep. No. No, the evil communist scum attacked him then. Uh huh. Yep. Uh huh. That's right, he took the bullet meant for me... yes. No. Nonono. He killed a number of them before dying. Yes. Yes, we're going to commemorate his death. Yes, uh huh, yes, he's a hero. He died nobly. You should be a proud mother. Goodbye." He hung up, pleased with himself in his ability to make up a credible story on the fly. He paused to toss a rotten banana out the window, and by some sheer freak of aerodynamics, it landed on an elronner's head who was offering free personality tests. He dialed out again, this time to buy some furniture for the office. Sitting in a bare office, leaning against the wall and dialing with a Donald Duck telephone wasn't all that being a gunrunner was cut out to be. Finally, he dialed one more time, and talked to a few people, very sotto voce. The conversation done, he took the elevator back to the basement. In the basement was still one unopened box. Cracking it open, he first saw a wide array of taco condiments. Digging further, he saw what he was looking for: AMMO. He pulled out a few clips and eventually found his way back to the main floor, where a concert was going on. He shoulder-checked his way through the crowd, trying to find a comfortable place where he could sit and think. Meanwhile, in another part of town, an angry coalition of parents demanded to know where their children had gotten their GUNs. The shipment was eventually traced to a loading wharf in Mexico, where the crate had been swapped with a shipment to a Mr. Kramodac. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Not quite your class, I'd say, dear, on the whole (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [78] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Hugh Jardon To: Lance Msg #79, 26-Jul-92 08:18am Subject: So, will you be stayin'? By the time the three stooges had awakened from their drunken stupour, birds were chirping outside again (not that that was discernible inside a concrete and steel building). A pinball game bleeped, and sent Hugh's eardrums hurtling through the ether of the universe. He sat up too suddenly, and a steel and glass counter added another Richter 8 earthquake through his spine. "Aw, shit... ", he said looking from under the counter, "Flog's gone already... hey, hey Lance... how're you doint?" "" Hugh crawled out from the counter and found his balance was disrupted by the air-conditioning kicking in. "C'mon, man. Hmm..." Hugh nudged Lance a bit, who didn't stir at all. "Gawd, that means I'll have to go and get a cart or something." Hugh left the room, and arrived a few minutes later with a forklift. He *gently* lifted Lance - as gently as a forklift can do so - and took him via freight elevator to his own penthouse apartment. Hugh left Lance there while he took another jar of Tylenols, and went to supervise the finishing touches on the apartments meant for Lacy and Metal Rob [naah... this isn't a cue, honest!]. He looked around hopefully for Galatea, but she was off doing whatever normal chrome-based androids do. Lance had come around a few hours later, wondering why it was that he felt like he just surfed on a tsunami, and was deposited on tank barriers by the said wave. He looked around at the bare-concrete room with the structural steel, and brushed metal. "Could only be Hugh's apartment", he thought, correctly, of course (amazing how well people get to know one another in NES's). He got up, and immediately fell down, realising that his legs felt and acted roughly like rubber bands. To this, a maid wearing one of Hugh's custom-designed maid outfits walked in. "'Scuse me, sir, but are you all right? Is there anything I can do for you?" she asked with a nutra-sweet smile, jiggling her jugs affectionately. "Before anything... could you help me get back on the couch so I don't have to talk into the floor? " * * * * * Hugh returned mid-afternoon to find Lance being given a *very* good massage by his maid. "Oh, Lance, I see you've met Evelina. I hope she helped you out." "Uhh... yeah.... ooh... she was... ohhh... a great help... mmm" "So Lance, my man", said Hugh, pouring himself a pint of Jack Daniel's, "'r you gonna stick around a while? I'll go to work on an apartment in the hotel for you if you like, since the contractors are already here." --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Cankeropolis (1:163/218.0) SEEN-BY: 163/110 135 166 207 218 222 227 266 277 290 305 405 410 518 243/5 SEEN-BY: 243/9 [79] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Metal Rob To: Dr. Duck Msg #80, 26-Jul-92 07:51pm Subject: Excuse me, but what planet is this? Meanwhile..... In another galaxy, altogether, ( IN ANOTHER GALAXY ) the SpaceBus was hurtling through the void at top notch. Metal had just left Planet Nipple, and decided to find another planet to party on. " 'scuse me girrrrls, I gotta go check da mapsh" he slurred, obviously being drunk and disorderly again. "Giggle!" said the girls, all 20 or so of them. He made his way to the front of the bus, after a heated debate with himself as to which way was front. ( It's this way. It's that way! What do you think? It's *this* way. O.K. ) Anyways, so he stumbles into the cockpit. "AAAVVAASSSIIIIIIMMMMMM!!!!" Rob screamed at the top of his lungs. AVASIM Module Online. What do you require? "Good. Uh, hmmm, lessssee, what good sexdrugsrocknroll planets are the closest to our present...uh, um..ah! Location!" Local METAL Planets are: Planet Playtex Planet Free Planet GNR Planet Manillow End List. Metal thought about the selection. After two hours of intense deliberation, he said " Did anyone ever tell you that you sound a lot like Red Vette?" Nope. "Oh. Anyways, gimmee a descript on Free. Planet Free Library Entry: Planet is named after the sexual promiscuity of the inhabitants. Medical Note: No diseases exist on Free. Security Note: Flog Sonata is banned from the planet. End Library Entry. "Sounds like the place to gooooooo, so lock on to it and lets get *dangerous*." Metal lurched back to the babe section of the bus, then thought, hmmm, there is something I gotta do. Hmmm." ( Large thinking noises ). Rob grabs the Bell Cellular StarPhone near him, you know, thew one shaped like a disembodied vagina, and starts dialing. * * * --- Maximus 2.01wb * Origin: The purpose of life is to be drunk. :*) (1:163/310) SEEN-BY: 163/110 135 150 166 207 218 222 227 266 277 290 305 310 400 401 SEEN-BY: 163/405 410 518 243/5 9 From: Metal Rob To: Hugh Garden Msg #81, 26-Jul-92 08:26pm Subject: what? Hugh was sitting at his desk looking for something or other when his phone rang. <----- for the deaf. "Hmm, I wonder who that could be. I paid all my bills this month." Hugh wondered. He picked up, and immediately regretted it. Music. Loud music. Heavy Metal "What the Hell Are The Lyrics" type of music. Hugh threw the handset across the room, not too suprised that now he could listen to the caller better that way. He has had *this* call before. "AAAAYYYYYY!!! HUGGY! HOW'Z MY APPARTMENT DOON?" Metal Rob screamed. "Shit" Hugh muttered, "It's comming along great. Should be done by the end of the week, right on schedule. When do I get the rest of the money?". "I'LL FAX IT TOO YA. HEE HEE, NO SERIOUSLY, LIKE WE AGREED, I'LL PAY YOU ON MY ARRIVAL. OH, INCIDENTALLY, I'LL BE A WEE BIT LATE. I GOT SOME...UH...TECHNICAL PROBlems to fix." Hugh finally got the volume down on the handset. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN LATE!!!" he screamed. "No need to screeam dood." Metal said. Hugh started to rub his temples. Rob was giving him a headache. "O.K. Rob, just get yourself here by the end of the week. You know what contractors are like when they don't see money." With that, Hugh disconnected the phone. From the wall. By the cord. * * * --- Maximus 2.01wb * Origin: The purpose of life is to be drunk. :*) (1:163/310) SEEN-BY: 163/110 135 150 166 207 218 222 227 266 277 290 305 310 400 401 SEEN-BY: 163/405 410 518 243/5 9 From: Cadomark To: Ms. Brandy Msg #82, 27-Jul-92 12:49am Subject: It was said. Honest. Cadomark found himself sitting at the bar again, for no apparent reason, perhaps, other than to talk to his new-found friend. "Well, uhh, I was pretty drunk last night, wasn't I?" he asked her, looking slightly embarrassed. "You were," she replied, pouring a big vacuum flask of liquid nitrogen into a cup. The vapours rose up from the liquid like a dense fog, temporarily clouding up the bar. She fanned some of the vapours aside to see the last vestiges of a blush fade away from his face. She smiled inwardly as she took a pair of tongs and dropped a glowing piece of charcoal into the glass. The air clouded up some more, and huge sizzling sounds were heard. "I, uhh, well, I apologize now if I was, well, uhh, crude or anything to you last night," he stammered in apology, "I wasn't quite myself then. I mean, getting killed and then the trauma of slow resurrection, and the immense hangover from that, well, and..." She waved a hand in negation. "It's okay. You were moodier than normal then, but it's okay. You're not that bad of a person, and I like the fact that you're not even thinking about fucking up our friendship with meaningless sex." She smirked a little more, and with the grace of a master artist, poured some pure ethanol into the mixture. He looked really embarrassed. Painfully so, in fact. His face flushed a bright red. "Well, uhh, of course. Our f... f... friendship is an important thing." He paused for a moment while she poured some muriatic acid into the concoction. "It helps the digestion," she explained. "Say, umm, do you know where I can find Flog?" he asked. "I've got to apologize for killing him, although I suspect that he'll never have anything to do with me again for it." "Ms. Stardust and Mr. Jardon went off with him and some newcomer or something somewhere last night while you were busy," she replied. "They should still be around here somewhere." Cadomark thanked her, and with a wave, he turned away and began looking for the people he had tried to kill. Meanwhile, the CIA and FBI, working together, had found that a foreign nation had sponsored the GUN purchase through this so called Mr. Kramodac. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Not quite your class, I'd say, dear, on the whole (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [82] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Hugh Jardon To: Armageddon Inc. Msg #83, 27-Jul-92 08:51am Subject: Remember that on the fly design? "Uhm... Lance, I've gotta go supervise some other construction for a bit... you won't mind if I leave you in the *capable* hands of Evelina would you?" Hugh didn't wait for a response, and walked out the door, donning some piece of clothing to wear over his thin torso so as to hide it from the view of others. He walked to Rob's apartment to be, and found the foreman. "Hey, howzit going? Good. I want to change some things, guy." "But, Mr. Jardon, we're doing the finishes now." "Hey, I warned you about how I work when we started, and you agreed to the terms. How many awards have you won by contractors' associations for some of the designs I've done with you?" "Well, I really can't say... we're building more shelves to sit the awards on now at the office..." "So you're gonna snub me now? You know how many other contractors would LOVE to work for me..." The foreman sighed one of those "oh no he's gonna blackmail me outta $300,000 a year" kind of sighs. "What has to be changed, Hugh?" Hugh's glare cut through the foreman's head and knocked over the stairs in the corner. "Don't even try familiarity after giving me the crock of shit you did earlier! It's Mr. Jardon... you have to *earn* the privilege of calling me by my first name! Well, you have to tear out the wall, floor, and ceiling finishes." "That's ALL the finishes!" "Yeah, well, tough. We need about twelve inches of sound insulation in this apartment, all the way around. I also think we're gonna have to build some sorta hangar up on the roof for this client." "Anything else?" "Yeah, call me when you start on the finishes again." And with that, Hugh walked out of the apartment. He walked over to where Lacy's apartment was being built, and took a quick look around. It seemed to be exactly in character for her. He wondered where she had gone to, considering he had seen her in the hotel earlier (during breakfast it was!). He called down, and had her paged, saying she had to come upstairs to approve on the final colour choices, etc. Lance meanwhile was enjoying the expert fingers of Evelina, and enjoying a nice cold drink. Galatea was told by LSd to look for Hugh again, and help him with his libido problem. No, it wasn't dysfunction, but a lack of action for a while (besides, Hugh's been sooooo busy in this damn hotel, hasn't he?). Flog was doing who knows what... probably scratching his gun with his GUN. It was safe enough as long as both of them didn't misfire. Cadomark was wallowing in self-pity that he would never *have* Brandy no matter how hard he tried. Cadomark should be notified that there is a brothel in this hotel, and many would be more than willing to do him some service... some of them might even have personalities if they were written in... The casino was happy. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Kradomac spelt backwards is CHEESE WHIZ. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [83] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here From: Lady Stardust-Sonata Rec'd To: Hugh Jardon Msg #84, 27-Jul-92 07:04pm Subject: ...and downstairs In one of the nightclubs, there was a man in a black striped suit, sitting onstage with a guitar. "Whaddya want? Whaddya want?" he called to the thirty or forty people in the audience. They looked up, bored, from their plaid drinks. "I do parodies," the man said. "Name's Noogie RectoSpleenblaster. My partner, who is not here but is off getting pissed drunk, is the Reverend Egon. Make a suggestion." "Do 'Yesterday,'" replied a balding man in an ugly suit from the audience. "Okay," said Noogie agreeably. "Calculus... waves of confusion washing over us really can't see why it's worth the fuss I can't abide calculus "Silly me... I thought one and one and one was three Now they tell me it's Infinity Calculus is insanity "Surreal mathematics make me sick! I want to throw up in a cup, and it feels good... dead baaabyyy..." There was a smattering of applause from the audience, but most people looked unimpressed. "Uhm... I'll do 'Fixing a Hole'," said Noogie, after no more response was forthcoming. "I'm fixing a film, where the light got in, to stop the developer from wandering, where it shouldn't go.. "I'm filling the cracks, that ran round the door To stop the light from wandering, where it shouldn't go.. "And it really doesn't matter, if you're shooting at night If it's black or white, or in colour.. "Silly people with quicksnaps think they're gods but disposables are no better than whores.. "It's not black and white, it's just shades of gray I shot the film yesterday, so I should know..." The crowd was noticeably unimpressed, so Noogie put down his guitar and went to the bar to get drunk. He was being paid the bar stubs anyhow, so... --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Kradomac spelt backwards is CHEESE WHIZ. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [84] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata Rec'd To: Flog Sonata Msg #85, 28-Jul-92 09:07pm Subject: ..is it possible, possible, possible Brandy answered the ringing phone at the bar, and listened for a few seconds. "Eeeeoow!" she cried. "Hey, hang on a sec." She muted the phone. "Cadomark! Cadomark!" she said to the retreating man. Cadomark turned around, his eyes lighting up, and he all but ran back to the bar. "What is it, Brandy?" he asked in a deep, throaty voice. "There's something *special* I want you to experience," she said, looking meaningfully at him. "Come back in a few hours, when I get off my shift." "Sure!" said Cadomark joyously, and skipped away, his heart filled with happiness. "I'll come back later!" A few hours later, Cadomark came back, dressed to the nines. His hair was neatly and precisely combed, his shoes shining like golden frying pans, and every crease carefully studied. He virtually glowed. "There she is," he thought to himself, looking to the woman sitting at the bar. He slipped up silently behind her and put his hands over her eyes. "Guess who?" he purred sensually. "Cadomarc?" the woman said, turning around. "Eez you Cadomarc? Brand- ie lef' me 'ere to wait for 'ou. Ey am Elquila, Elquila NaVelle, Ey am Brand-ie's coozeen. Elquila had the most bizarre accent Cadomark had ever heard. It was some kind of twisted combination of French, Spanish and Australian aborigine. Not only that, but she was totally green. Her shoes were green, her skintight leather jumpsuit that Cadomark could see pert nipples through was green, her eye makeup was green. Her hair was very pale, and the green reflected eerily off of it. Her eyes were a light green, with strange flecks like bubbles in them. Aside from the colour, though, she was a dead ringer for Brandy; it was hardly surprising that he had mistaken Elquila for her. Cadomark stared, dumbstruck and dazed, into Elquila's eyes. He finally said, "I've never heard an accent like yours before. Where are you from?" "Ey 'ave trav-velled a lot, Cadomarc, but Ey spend ze lazzt vew year in Morocco, eez a ver' nice place." She gave him a thorough one-over, and then a twice-over. Her effervesent eyes lingered in places that Cadomark found vaguely discomforting. "Ey think Ey lake 'ere ver' much, though." She put a warm hand on his arm. "Would 'ou... show me around? T'e 'ole place?" "Uh, sure," said Cadomark, trying to at least be polite in an increasingly strange situation. "Jus' let me get a drink," she said, going behind the bar and getting down a champagne flute. She filled it with a foamy, milky mixture of Irish cream and soda water. The drink exploded over the rim of the glass and over her hand. She delicately licked the excess off, sucking on each finger. Cadomark swallowed hard. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Who says *everything* has to spawn a plot? (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** There's a reply!. See #91. [85] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata Rec'd To: Hugh Jardon Msg #86, 28-Jul-92 09:54pm Subject: imbroglioes for *everyone* Hugh got into the elevator, a pounding headache from the tiresomeness of his contractees. He punched in "21", as that was where the best headache cure in the hotel was to be found: a shot of vodka, some tabasco sauce, some lemon, some club soda and a quarter cc of codeine. On the fiftieth floor, the doors opened and Galatea got in. "Gala, dahling," said Hugh, brightening. "What *have* you been doing?" "Taking proper English lessons," she replied. Her accent was now impeccable private school London, England. "You're a quick study," he approved. "I do everything quickly," she shot back, smiling provocatively. It was on the tip of his tongue to challenge her to a tequila shooting contest, but he remembered how little alcohol had affected her last time. Don't get her talking about books, either, he silently reminded himself. And she's LSd's sister, better get her attention fast or she'll be off with someone else before you can say by-your-leave. The elevator stopped. "Can I buy you a drink?" Hugh asked, pointing to the club he was heading for. "Sure," she said, putting an arm around Hugh's waist in a friendly kind of way. Oh God, thought Hugh in a blinding flash of horror. If she says she wants to be friends, I'll fucking throw her out a window. His genitals throbbed agreement. * * * "So," said Hugh, "if another woman ever says 'lets just be friends' I'll fucking throw her out a window." "Of course," said Galatea supportingly. "I don't think I've ever said that to anyone... savagely broken up with some, maybe... scarred some men emotionally for life... one guy became a serial killer after I left him at the altar, three more killed themselves... some became homosexuals... the one I feel worst about became a talk-show host." LSd had programmed the stranger, less known bits of her past into Galatea's mind so well that Hugh believed every word. "I like dangerous women," he said boldly. "Reeeaaally?" asked Galatea, giving him the perfected LSd-up-under- the-lashes look. "Really," said Hugh confidently. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Who says *everything* has to spawn a plot? (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** There's a reply!. See #88. [86] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Crass Nirvana Msg #87, 28-Jul-92 11:00pm Subject: one for *you*... Crass was wandering around the hotel, doing his best to avoid being buttonholed by politicoes. Since he had been the most quiet of the four of Apocalypse Inc, he had to deal with all the scum and riffraff like Dan Quayle and Bob Rae. He saw Sheila Copps approaching. "Oh shit," he choked, ducking through a door, breaking into a run down the hall and through another door at the end. He burst into a softly lit room. There were about forty women in various stages of dishabille, lying on chaise longues, walking around, reading books. A woman in studded black leather with a whip walked up to Crass, who was standing stock still. "Can I help you, sir?" she asked neutrally. "I'm Madame Papillon." "Crass Nirvana," he said. The woman inhaled abruptly and her whole manner changed. "Oh, *Mr. Nirvana*! Do you want a massage, a hand job, a fuck, or a live show?" "'scuse me?" said Crass, dumbfounded. Then he brightened. "I've found the *brothel*, haven't I?" "Yes sir, Mr. Nirvana sir. Why don't we give you a run down of everything, and then when you come back, you can pick what you like best?" "Uh, sure," said Crass, and within five seconds the woman had stripped him totally naked and rushed him into a room. Lying on a pink pinstriped silk chaise longue was a naked blonde, playing ping-pong with her vagina and a wall. "Too weird," said Crass, and was hurried into the next room. There lay a naked brunette, shaking a glass Coke bottle in her vagina. Then she stopped, twisted the top off the bottle in a massive surge of muscular dexterity, and flipped the bottle around so that the warm, fizzy liquid sprayed all over Crass' naked body. The rest poured back into her vagina, and she stood up and refilled the bottle, like a human Coke dispenser. The madam realized that this was not enough for Crass, and let him to another room. "This is the booblie ooblies," she said, panicked to make Crass happy. Crass looked up, and saw a six foot six redhead, with curly hair down to her pert naked buttocks. Her breasts were huge, they were the size of a man's head. She beckoned to Crass, who stepped forward, transfixed. His eyes were on a level with her nipples. She leaned forward, clamped his head between her mammoth tits, and screamed "Booblie Ooblie!" over and over. Crass stumbled back when she was done. His whole face was tingling. "It's a facial massage," said the madam. "I... I'm gonna come back later," said Crass, too amazed and frightened to be aroused. He stumbled back into the hallway, totally naked, and into the path of Sheila Copps. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Who says *everything* has to spawn a plot? (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [87] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Hugh Jardon Rec'd To: Lady Stardust-Sonata Msg #88, 29-Jul-92 10:25am Subject: Re: Just for me? Why thank you... I think... Hugh was completely charmed (yet again... a sucker indeed). He invited Gala to the French restaurant downstairs on the 13th floor, calling ahead to make sure HIS table was ready for him. He also asked that a bottle of champagne from his personal cellar be chilled. Hugh offered his arm to Gala, who took it graciously, and they took the private elevator to the restaurant. Everything was set perfectly, the table, the champagne, the lighting... Hugh's custom holographic projection system always offered the best backgrounds for *anything* "You must have been studying hard to get such a perfect accent... they didn't even teach ME that well after six years." "After what I've had to go through in language training, picking up pronounciation is nothing" Small talk continued throughout dinner, as the two talked about art, architecture, and philosophical theories on post-modernism and deconstructivism (readers by now wonder... what a boring couple... don't they do anything else?). After 4 hours of chatting and enjoying the world's best food, Hugh finally asked Gala up to his apartment. "Well, I don't know", said Gala coyly, "we still don't know each other all that well." "So let's get to know each other", Hugh offered, getting close. "There's no better time than the present", he said, giving her a long kiss to think about it. "Well, anybody who likes dangerous women can't be all bad... you're also a dangerous man, though, you realize?" Hugh shrugged his shoulders, and got up from the table, again offering his hand to Gala. They got into the elevator, and shot up to the 109th floor. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: You get up, eat, drink, rape, pillage, go sailing (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** Witty reply to msg #86. [88] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Flog Sonata To: All Msg #89, 29-Jul-92 04:57pm Subject: Where the hell am I? Flog had lost track of his character. Where could he have left him? The narrator wandered through the bar, searching for Flog... He wasn't in the main part of the casino. A bus load of little old ladies from nearby Kanata had come in to play the slot machines. They bounced up and down excitedly, their dentures rattling in their mouths like castanettes, quater after quater of their pension checks plunking into the machines, handles being pulled in fits of excitement. Occasionally an old woman would switch machines, sensing that the machine they were on was depleted of luck. They lugged their purses weighted down with quarters back and forth. A few ventured off to the bar and had Bailey's and milk, then gathered about, staring excitedly at the shiny walls and mumbling how "they ain't got stuff like this out in Kanata". The point of view, given by the narrator, shifted, as he was getting bored looking at old women from Kanatan who'd moved off from Bingo into the big time... Off into the lounge, but Flog was not there as well... A man on a stage, wearing a black cape and a top hat was performing magic tricks. "Ladies and gentleman, I'm Lurdo the magician and I'd like to perform a few tricks for you this evening..." Lurdo pulled a cane out from somewhere behind his back and tapped it against his hat. "Presto," Lurdo yelled, and pulled stream after stream of condoms out of his large silk top hat. He threw them into the audience, who looked confused and slightly alienated. "For my next trick, I will pull a rabbit out of my lower intestine!" Lurdo pulled a large knife out of no where and stabbed himself in the belly. Blood gushed out into the faces of a startled couple from Hull. "Mon dieux!" yelled the young man, shocked. Lurdo laughed. "Not real blood folks, just a joke." The room was dead silent. "Tough crowd, tough crowd," Lurdo said, "all right, I like a challenge..." Lurdo thought a bit, looked off into space. "Got it," he muttered. He undid his fly and let his penis hang out of his pants. "For my next trick," he said, "I will require a member of the audience." That was all the audience could stand. They rushed the stage in a fit of fury and desperation. "Kill him!" screamed several old women from Kanata, drunk on Bailey's. "Tue lui!" screamed the french couple from Hull. The magician ran from the bar. "They liked it in New York," he yelled. The narrator wandered off, looking for Flog. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: You get up, eat, drink, rape, pillage, go sailing (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [89] Lastest: 142. From: Flog Sonata To: All Msg #90, 29-Jul-92 05:19pm Subject: Still looking for me... The narrator got into the elevator. He pushed button number 34. Hadn't Flog been somewhere upstairs. "Hey sweetheart," burbled an old woman, drunk out of her mind, clutching her bag of quarters to her chest, "Howdja like to make an old woman happy?" Oh shit, thought the narrator. But fortunately for him, the old woman passed out, the booze and the weight of her quarter laden purse rendering her unconscious. The quarters spilled out all over the floor. The elevator doors opened, and the narrator stepped out into the hall and wandered about. From one room, he heard a familiar voice, so the narrator walked over and opened the door. "Help me!" screamed Crass. He was tied to a brass bed and Sheila Copps, dressed all in leather, was reading him a book entitled "Final Constitutional Discussion Analysis Summary". "Please," Crass screamed, but the narrator was looking for Flog, and the door slowly closed. Up another few floors, still searching, the narrator heard what sounded like a cannon blasting away. He opened the door and looked in. Flog was at the target range, his GUN in his hand. He was shooting at man shaped targets, and each shot went through the paper target and the brick wall behind it, puncturing the walls with huge holes. Flog blew a billow of smoke from the end of his GUN and headed towards the elevators. Maybe he could find some fun elsewhere. He'd been firing at targets for hours, and had reduced the brick wall to swiss cheese. An old woman was passed out in the elevator, buried in a heap of quarters. The doors opened at the lobby and Flog stepped out. "Oh my god," Flog whispered, "there are hundreds of blue haired women playing the slot machines..." Flog stood up on a table, preparing to make some sort of announcement to these old women. How could he get rid of them all? Death's Place, a fine Casino-ish establishment, was meant for a hipper, leaner crowd. How could he section them off somewhere? "Attention! Attention!" Flog yelled. The old women hushed and turned and looked at Flog. "Wayne Newton is about to sing in the main lounge, so if you make your way there..." The old woman ran screaming to the lounge as if they'd been injected with pure nitrogen or maybe helium, or halogen. Whatever it was, they ran to the room with bells on. As soon as they were all in, Flog slammed the doors closed and locked them. "Someone get me some wood and nails!" Flog yelled, planning on nailing the door shut. "What do you think you're doing?" Reg said, appearing out of no where, "Those women have already spent over twenty thousand dollars here!" Flog looked sad, knowing he'd have to set the old women free. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: You get up, eat, drink, rape, pillage, go sailing (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 From: Cadomark Rec'd To: Lady Stardust-Sonata Msg #91, 29-Jul-92 05:57pm Subject: It might be possible... possible... (possible) Cadomark tried not let his mouth hang slackly. This was a situation he was unfamiliar with. "So," he said, finally managing to engage his brain again, "uhh, where would you like to go first?" She smiled at him in the manner that Brandy had perfected, causing him to squirm uncomfortably. "Dere eez a... 'ow you say... a caseeno 'ere, no?" Cadomark gulped again. "Well, uhh, yeah, there is. Shall we?" He offered his arm, and she draped herself across it in a very familiar fashion. He staggered off. They walked into the casino, where a man dressed in black was desperately running for his life. The crowd wasn't happy... again. Various epithets could be heard being yelled quite loudly, and Cadomark turned to see Elquila blush in embarrasment. "I take it they don't use that many four letter word where you come from," he observed, trying desperately to decide whether he should find it amusing or offering her some sympathy. After a long debate, he chose the latter course of action. "Eet is okay," she replied, pausing again to smile again at him in a winning albeit very green manner. It was his turn to blush. Meanwhile, in a sudden meeting of the yankee senate, an emergency war-measures bill was passed. The latest information concerning the whereabouts of Mr. Kramodac, the evil, foul communist-lover GUN runner was located, and a surgical bombing run on a Canadian target was being prepared. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: I take it that you have no genitals? (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** Witty reply to msg #85. [91] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Richard Nixon Msg #92, 29-Jul-92 06:20pm Subject: Ollie North loves you "George," whined Dan, "I wanna lead the troops into Canada." "Well Dan, I dunno if that's such a good idea..." George vacillated. "But *Geo-orge*, it's election time and *everything*, and I wanna make the American people aware that I know about the *issues*, George, I know all about issues, and I want the people to know that I don't support GUN-running, or deals with terrorists, or anything! This is an important issue, George, and I'm an issue oriented person so I'm really good at dealing with them, issues I mean." "But Dan, I wouldn't want to put you into danger, you might get shot by some rabid Canuck terrorist who hates American beer, I mean American values." "But wouldn't my having gone into danger for the country make the voters like me more?" Dan pleaded. Maybe you'll get shot in the head, and I'll be able to get Candace Bergen to be my running mate, George thought, and brightened. "All right, Dan, I've decided to let you lead the team." "Yay!" cried Dan, doing a gleeful little dance and breaking into "If You're Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands". George smiled paternally. "Now, about those broccoli farmers..." * * * "Sooooo, Gala," said Hugh, dimming the lights tastefully. "Can I get you anything?" "Maybe," said Gala, and in two precise motions, ripped off Hugh's shirt, pants, and other *things* with her nails. "Say, those things aren't *retractable*, are they?" asked Hugh, moving closer. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: I take it that you have no genitals? (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 From: Flipper To: Whoever's Watching Msg #93, 30-Jul-92 10:15pm Subject: the road goes ever onward The beat-up yellow cab screeched to a halt at the curb. The rear door opened, and a large blue-grey creature with an elongated snout and perpetual smile exited the cab. He gave the driver some money, and the driver squealed off, cutting off a Ford Pinto and causing a three-car pileup. Flipper ignored this. He adjusted his Mickey Mouse ears and rubbed the cut above his eye. Then he looked around in confusion. Nothing seemed as he left it, but perhaps more as he had once viewed it in a pseudo-dream world which he had attempted to shut out. An odd wind blew through far-off tress, but Flipper was quite sure he was imaginging that as a result of having not slept for several weeks. Since his blurry eyes could pick out nothing immediately familiar, he laid down on the sidewalk and began to sleep, hoping someone would wake him and enlighten him as to what was going on. As an afterthought, just before he went to sleep, he placed to mouse ears upside-down beside him to see if he could earn a few coins. --- VortexNet v4.7a [1.1] * Origin: Evil Genius: Secret Engagement Plans? (1:163/227) SEEN-BY: 163/110 135 166 207 218 222 227 266 277 290 305 405 410 518 243/5 From: Flog Sonata To: Flipper Msg #94, 31-Jul-92 02:17am Subject: OMIGAWD, a big dead fish! "Get out you goddamn old ladies!" Flog screamed, pushing the old kanata women into the street. As Flog thwaked the old women with the butt of his GUN, he noticed a grey sleeping form. "Oh my lord," Flog bellowed, "it's a beached whale! I've got to get some water or something and bring it inside or... Uh..." Flog grabbed Flipper by the tail and started dragging him across the street and into the casino. "Brandy," Flog screamed, "Water! We got a beached fish or something! He must have washed up from the ocean!" "Ocean?" Brandy said, passing Flog a pitcher of ice-water. "We gotta keep his skin wet or he'll die!" Flog screamed, and dumped the ice-cold water on Flipper's head. "AUGH!" Flipper bellowed, "Jesus Christ what the fuck?" "That voice..." Flog murmured. Eventually it was realized that it was Flipper. Feeling guilty, Flog bought the poor mammal ("NOT A FUCKING FISH!" Flipper reminded Flog) a few beers. "So where've ya been?" Flog asked Flipper. Meanwhile, Dan Quayle was getting the troops ready to invade Canada. "Now men," Danny said, walking up and down in front of the troops, "in Canada, they don't all speak english, so we're going to go over some french so we can deal with the people when we foil those nasty GUN smugglers and foil the evil Kramodac. First, some simple ones..." "Ou est ma pamplemousse?" Danny said. "Quand es que le train me tue?" "Demain je vais etre un poisson." "Les chien aime mon pee pee." The troops repeated these phrases that Danny had learned when he took french in high school, 18 years ago. After learning some french, Danny and the troops loaded up into the bus to Ottawa. Armed with pea-shooters and English-French dictionaries, there'd been some military budget cuts, the men and their leader made their way to a certain den of inequity in Ottawa. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: This is reality, as Flog and LSd see it... (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [94] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Flipper Rec'd To: Flog Sonata Msg #95, -Aug-92 02:58am Subject: hypothermia and other neat stuff Flipper took a sip of the beer Flog had bought for him. 'So where've ya been?' asked Flog again, in case Flipper was not yet coherent or had a bad memory or something. 'Well,' began Flipper, since he had always felt 'well' was a good beginning, giving time to clear and organize his thoughts before he actually spoke. 'I took my trip to go find my pod. I had felt such a trip was necessary at that point in my life. However, I got a little sidetracked, and went to Disneyland instead.' Flipper looked around. 'Did you see my Mickey Mouse ears?' Flog shook his head. Flipper assumed they had probably been stolen. So he continued on. 'Anyway,' (another favorite beginning), 'after Disneyland I had a small run-in with tiny yellowish aliens who for some reason wanted to run tests on me. But I didn't mind too much because they fed me advanced fish substitute. It was actually quite good. Gave me some hope for the future. That's where I got this.' Flipper pointed to a scar above his left eye. 'Eventually they let me go, and I returned to my favorite bay, but as I expected, and contrary to my hopes, I did not find anything I was looking for. Nevertheless, I must say that it was the most extreme trip I've ever taken, during which I experienced both happiness and terror. So I don't really know how to rate the trip.' Flipper finished the beer and looked into the empty bottle, considering how badly he wanted another. Finally, rather than consider the problem, he looked back up at Flog. 'So, like, what's the story with this place? Wait...maybe I can find out.' Flipper stood up and walked (a little unsteadily) right up to Flog. 'I saw this on TV once,' explained Flipper. He placed his fins on Flog's face and concentrated. Nothing seemed to happen. 'Dammit!' exclaimed Flipper. 'It worked for Mr. Spock!' He moved his fins and concenrated again. Suddenly his eyes glazed over and he began to see images. Of course nobody else could really tell that, but finally the trance broke. Flipper released Flog and sat back down. 'Hmmm,' started Flipper, 'that really does work. So now I know a little about this place. So, what do you recommend as a good place to start? How about a tour or something?' --- VortexNet v4.7a [1.1] From: Lady Stardust-Sonata Rec'd To: Flog Sonata Msg #96, 01-Aug-92 07:25pm Subject: Es muis sein "Oh, Flog," called LSd, "I received a call from the opera troupe, confirming the run from tomorrow to next Saturday." Flog looked up from where he was talking to Flipper. "Huh?" "The opera," LSd said patiently. "Don't you remember? We've been advertising all over the bloody town, province even, for the last six weeks. It's entirely sold out. We have Box Five reserved for us." "Opera?" said Flog. "Yes, Flog, the opera. Don't you remember anything?" LSd's patience was noticeably fraying. "I'm running myself *ragged* trying to get everything straight for it... did you remember to get your black tuxedo cleaned?" "No..." "Ack!" said LSd. "Uhm, why don't you go downtown and buy yourself one that's in better shape than the one you were fingerpainting in?" "Buh," said Flog. "Oh, okaay..." he grumbled as LSd pouted menacingly. He wandered out of the casino as LSd rushed off, mumbling about 'last- second curtain brushes'. Flog ambled through the casino, through the double "DP" engraved doors and inhaled sharply as the shimmering heat struck him. "Gack." He staggered down Stardust Boulevard, masochistically deciding not to take a limosine. Where it intersected with BrokenDream Boulevard, he stopped and collapsed against the side of a building. That was when he noticed it for the first time, scrawled in spray paint: LSD. He didn't think much of it as he wandered drunkenly on to the tuxedo place, although he saw it about a hundred and seventeen times between there and when he got back to the casino. And there. There it was. Written right on the otherwise impeccably clean glass, but for where some sort of crushed hairy blob bled. In yellow grease pencil. 'I must LSd'. LS*d*, not LS*D*. Then Flog started to take notice. "Weird," he said, as the door automatically slid open and he went back into the bar. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: This is reality, as Flog and LSd see it... (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [96] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata Rec'd To: Hugh Jardon Msg #97, 01-Aug-92 09:01pm Subject: Es konnte auch anders sein... The next night, Flog and LSd were preparing for the opera. "What opera is this, anyhow?" asked Flog, struggling with his tie. "It's called Don Juan Triumphant." "Is it in English?" "It's been translated, especially for you." LSd coughed discreetly. "Yes, it's in English." She flipped her long reddish hair back and pinned it with a band of onyx and ivory. She peered angrily into the mirror. "I'm getting lines..." she said distractedly. "Cocaine lines?" Flog looked hopeful. "No, I mean in my face. *Wrinkles*." She frowned in annoyance. "No wonder," said Flog, straightening her mouth with his fingers. She smiled at him, and his hand slid down her neck, over some suspicious red marks, to her red silk covered shoulders. "Ummm..." she said, grabbing for his -- The phone jangled. "Hmph," said LSd, grabbing for the hook with her other hand. "Lady Stardust-Sonata here, what's up?" "The diva, there has been a horrible accident..." "WHAT?!" screamed LSd. "Noo... how bad?" "Her... her arm is broken, she cannot sing tonight." "FUCK! What the hell happened?" "The chandelier in the ampitheatre, it crashed! I don't understand, no one was anywhere near it! It just crashed, and everyone but her escaped totally unharmed!" "Shit." LSd thought for a moment, then brightened. "Wait! Have the music sent up here, to my penthouse. I have a replacement." "A replacement?" The voice on the phone sounded puzzled. "The diva, Carlotta, she has been training for months! You cannot possibly have a replacement so soon!" "Send up the script too... do you want to risk this or not? I take full responsibility. You will be paid. Don't cross me if you want your health plan to continue." LSd paced around, clutching the phone angrily. "Immediately! How sophisticated are the costumes? How many? How essential? Have them sent up too. Everything. Now!" "Yes, Ms. Stardust-Sonata," said the voice, subdued. LSd rang up Galatea's suite. The phone simply rang and rang, to no avail. "Fuck, where is that girl?" The costumes, script and sheet music arrived. LSd rang Hugh's penthouse. Gala answered. "Are you still there?" snapped LSd. "Never mind, I need you immediately. Put some clothes on and hurry over right away!" Then LSd hurried over to the room with her workstation and microchips, cards and scanner. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: She couldn't tell him she'd been waiting for him. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Painkiller Msg #98, 01-Aug-92 09:43pm Subject: ...but it is not, and I am pleased. LSd quickly went to work with the scanner, the music, and the electronic equipment, and fashioned a chip Galatea arrived. "Here, put this on," said LSd, delicately handing her the chip and pointing to the opera costume. "Thank God there's only one costume, you should be able to adjust it to suit you, right?" "What's going on?" asked Gala. "The diva, she has broken her goddamn arm.. the chandelier crashed. There're so many people coming, we can't cancel the fucking opera... you're going to have to do it." "Oh," said Gala. "Okay, I don't mind." LSd picked a look up off the floor, covered in dirt, and shot it at Gala. "You don't mind?" she said, deceptively calm. "No, that's okay," said Gala. "I was doing *something* with Hugh, but I can do this, I suppose." "Indeed," said LSd. Flog was becoming alarmed. "Uh, hon..." he said. "What, darling?" LSd's voice was dangerously sweet. "I *suppose* you'll want a cut, next?" "Oh no, that's okay..." said Gala, and LSd lunged out and shut her off. Then she spun around, making her red silk skirt flare up to her navel, and snatched up a chip from the workbench. She made some savage corrections to the wiring and slapped it into Galatea. "Bitch," snapped LSd, putting in the opera chip, dressing Galatea in costume, and then smacking the 'on' button. "I'll go do the opera," Gala said meekly. "Good," said LSd, gritting her teeth and pushing her out of the room. * * * "Things are going well," LSd repeated to herself over and over through the intermission halfway through the opera. Things are okay, she thought. The opera began again. Galatea was singing magnificently. LSd was proud of her work. The hero went offstage. Galatea, the diva, began to sing. The hero came ack onstage. Cloaked, as the plot demanded "Wait," thought LSd in alarm. "He's *smaller*..." --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: If it wasn't your choice, I haven't the right. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [98] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Peter Lake Msg #99, 01-Aug-92 10:11pm Subject: today was the last time The tenor and hero began to sing. 'You have come here in pursuit of your deepest urge, in pursuit of that wish which till now has been silent, silent...' "Flog, Flog," hissed LSd. "That's not the tenor! That's not the tenor!" "What're you talking about?" "Look! He's too small to be the tenor! And he doesn't sound the same..." "Maybe you're paranoid," said Flog, confused. "Why would someone impersonate the tenor?" Galatea was singing. 'Past the point of no return no going back now our passion play has now, at last begun... Past all thought of right or wrong one final question: how long should we two wait before we're one...?' "I don't know..." said Flog. Then a scream broke up from backstage. A woman ran out. "The tenor!" she screamed. "He is *dead*!" The entire theatre fell silent. Then, quick as a greased cat, Galatea flicked aside the cloak of the 'tenor' on the stage. He had no face. There was a perfectly oval flat white surface where his face should be. Several women from the audience screamed. A black orifice appeared in the lower part of the oval, and it began to sing. Everyone, stunned, listened. 'Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime Lead me, save me from my solitude... Say you'll want me with you Here beside you Anywhere you go, let me go too... Galatea, that's all I ask of...' --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Once more, she heard the golden horn of betrayal (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: James Brown Msg #100, 01-Aug-92 10:29pm Subject: our hundredth message? Already? Galatea stood stock still. "Fuck," said LSd. "I reprogrammed her to be docile." The 'tenor' grabbed Galatea to him and swirled the cloak around them both. Then they vanished, the cloak falling limply to the floor, as so much useless flesh. "Galatea!" Hugh screamed, and ran from his box towards the stage. Flog and LSd hurried after him. "Who *is* this guy?" asked Flog. "I'll explain later," said LSd, lunging out and grabbing Hugh. "Lemme go!" Hugh cried. "I gotta help her!" "Hugh... you know the architechture of this place better than anyone, but I know this guy. Galatea and I know him. He doesn't realize we're twins. He thinks we're the same person. He's not stable. You must let me go after him." LSd patted his hand reassuringly as he struggled against Flog. "Who *is* he?" asked Hugh. "I'm gonna fucking kill him!" "Can I explain later?" pleaded LSd. "His name is Colt Birdman, and the longer we leave him with Galatea, the more dangerous it is. Show me where they went! I can deal with him!" Hugh pointed to the button Colt and Galatea had stepped on to go down, screaming all the while "Let me go with you!" as LSd swirled down after them. She could hear Colt singing, still. 'This is the point of no return!' LSd ducked into the room where the mirrors were kept. "Colt!" she called. He stopped singing. "Galatea?" he said, confused. "What trickery is this?" She heard him turning, his steps ringing dustily as he walked down the hall. LSd flung the lighting, the lighting so perfect there were no shadows in this room, on. He entered the room. He saw LSd. He looked to her 'twin', Galatea. "What is this?" he choked. "Colt, I am the real woman. Galatea is my android. I used you to test her. That's all you were, the test subject in the laboratory. You too being an android, you could tell when there were inconsistencies. Galatea and I recorded your reactions and I used them to make her as perfect as she is. But she is just an android." --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: He asked where they were taking the furniture. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [100] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Rupert Murdoch Msg #101, 01-Aug-92 10:48pm Subject: the Angel of Death Colt looked as upset as an android with no face is capable of looking. His hold on Galatea loosened. "Gala, come here," said LSd peremptorily, and Galatea came over to LSd. "I see," said Colt quietly. "Look, Colt, there must be a mistake in your programming somewhere.." LSd said hopefully. "Let me rework your circuits for you? Please?" "Okay," said Colt docilely. LSd left Galatea and came over to Colt. "I can't tell the difference between you two," he said brokenly. "What happened to your face?" LSd asked, feeling for his off button. "It's hard to explain..." Then his hand spun around and clamped on LSd's wrist. He began to sing. 'Hounded out by everyone! Met with hatred everywhere! No kind word from anyone! No compassion anywhere!' LSd gasped in pain as she heard the bones of her wrist snapping. She lunged forward, screaming out, and hit the off button. 'Galatea... LSd... why... why...' "How did he know?" asked Galatea. "Your name?" LSd cradled her wrist, numbness spreading through her body. She fumbled through his pockets and emptied out a can of spray paint and a yellow grease pencil. "It was him..." she gasped. "He broke the chandelier..." "He knew there were two of us..." said Galatea. "He was programmed with that knowledge, but I guess when he lost his face his mind was screwed too... I don't know..." Then LSd passed out on the floor. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: All those wives, at home alone, waiting for you. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [101] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Cadomark To: Madamoiselle Elquila Msg #102, 02-Aug-92 02:15am Subject: This is for you. Cadomark and Elquila sat in the lounge, talking about life and various things in general. "You like Shakespeare, Cadomarc?" she asked. "Certainly, even if my experience with his writing is limited. Saw Macbeth, read Hamlet." Her face flushed with pleasure. "Dere are few peeple 'oo like Shakespeare een my countree," she said. "It's been one of my interests," he replied, "There are some things I like to dabble in, you know. I didn't intend to live a dry life." He paused to peer out the window, where the sun was beginning to set. He suddenly turned to Elquila. "Have you ever seen a sunset here?" he asked her, staring into her eyes intently. "No, I 'ave not, Cadomarc. Would you, 'ow you say... show me?" He offered her his arm again, and rising up from the luxurious sofa, they walked out of the lounge towards the elevator. The trip up through the elevator was perhaps the shortest one he had ever experienced. He had eyes only for her face, and was continuously amazed at the fact that he was falling for a woman he had just met a short while ago. They walked over to the railing on the west side of the building, where the setting sun painted the sky with a magnificent array of hues. She inhaled sharply and stared out at the gorgeous view with him, clenching his hand rather tightly. They sat on the roof top for a number of hours, talking about their lives, their dreams, and their goals. He felt an unusual feeling growing constantly inside him; a feeling he had rarely ever experienced. It was unknown territory. It was, quite strangely (to him) love. A very loud explosion was head off to the north, and a brilliant flash of light was seen. A building three kilometers off had been flattened by a massive explosion. Muted roars were heard overrhead--the muted roar of a heavily-laden bomber. The local squadron of CF-18's were raised in panic, and soon the night's darkness was punctuated with the occasion ground-burst flash and a number of air-borne streaks of flame. It appeared that a considerable dogfight was brewing in the air, as the Canadians desperately tried to hold off a large wing of unknown bombers. A few more buildings, some close by, were felled by well placed bombs, however, none of them landed within range of the casino. Cadomark desperately looked at Elquila. Her eyes, opened quite widely, were glinting with the light of innumerable building fires. Her eyes opened even more widely when she saw him looking at her, and she grasped his hand considerably more tightly. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: All those wives, at home alone, waiting for you. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 From: Cadomark To: Ms. Brandy Msg #103, 02-Aug-92 02:31am Subject: I knew I'd regret this. "Ooh, Cadomarc!" she sighed, moving closer to him, "You did fireworks for me?" He stood, transfixed and deathly silent. He was trying to puzzle out the night's sudden turn of events. The bombers continued to come, dumping tonne after tonne of high-explosives into Ottawa. A massive amount of damage was done, and after awhile, there were very few tall buildings left standing. The casino was one of them. In fact, no bombs had landed relatively close to the building at all, which might have been considered odd, when the size and height of the building was factored in. A few anti-aircraft batteries opened fire belatedly, but there were few targets to fire at anymore, save the weary defenders. Cadomark continued to stand on the spot. Elquila sensed that something was wrong, but wasn't sure what to say. They stood in silence for a long while. A vehicle with bad brakes was heard stopping nearby. Stomping noises emanated from the ground for a while, and then a voice was heard coughing into an electric bullhorn. "KRAMODAC!" the voice yelled. "WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! COME OUT AND SURRENDER PEACEFULLY, OR WE'LL, OR WE'LL..." A short pause ensued, while the person with the bullhorn sifted through his cue cards. "WELL, JUST COME OUT ANYWAY." the voice concluded. Elquila stiffened visibly when the name of Kramodac was mentioned, and Cadomark's eyes widened in horror. "Did they catch me so soon?" he thought to himself. "Is there no way out? Oh SHIT!" "What does this Kramodac look like?" Elquila hoarsely demanded. She was all business now, and her face was so stonily set that it would have been studied by poker players. "Well, Elquila dear, you're looking at him," he replied. "WHAT?!" she screamed. She pulled out a very long knife from some hiding place on her body and wielded it menacingly. "YOU are KRAMODAC?!" He simply nodded sadly. "Then you must die," she spat. Cadomark entered an unarmed combat stance, fear and confusion radiating from his eyes. She advanced, apparently quite skilled in the martial arts. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: All those wives, at home alone, waiting for you. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [103] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Cadomark To: Dan Quayle Msg #104, 02-Aug-92 02:46am Subject: You have a bad sense of timing, my friend. Cadomark's lower lip twitched a little, as he slowly backstepped away from her. She was sufficiently experienced to keep herself between him and the only door on the roof, while edging into combat range. "You were such a nice guy," she muttered, glaring at him all the while. "I had no idea you were my target." "Why are you doing this?!" he yelled, rapidly running out of options, and seriously considering combat as his next choice if he was forced into the corner. She sighed heavily, knowing that she had him trapped. "I work for the country of Araquay," she said softly, waving her knife around slowly. With a practised lunge, she lashed out with her knife hand. Cadomark, not expecting the attack, deflected it a little too late, but managed to save himself by knocking the knife to the side of the intended target. He was scored along the ribs. He felt blood begin to trickle. With a spirit shout, he jumped out of the corner at her in an attack, but she easily defended herself against his blows. Her skill was quite evident as she footswept him, then planted her knife in his belly. Cadomark fell to the ground, his blood beginning to seep out onto the ground. She crouched beside him, her knife poised to land the telling stroke. "A nation of foul, evil people," she said to him, "who shall remain unnamed, financed your GUN running expedition with their own gold bullion. Our spies were particularily lucky in finding this information, but three good men died trying to get the data out safely." She paused momentarily to look at him gravely. "One of them was my brother." Cadomark's breathing was hoarse with pain. "The gold... was given... to me... because... of an... accident," he rasped, wheezing for breath very frequently, "The GUN... running was... only between... Flog and I... The nation... had nothing... to do... with it... It was... only our... idea..." Having said his piece, he groaned softly and passed out. At that particular moment, a helicopter was heard approaching. She quickly tossed her knife and dove inside the stairwell. The helicopter topped the building, playing the searchlight about the roof. It found Cadomark's prone body, and light the area quite brightly. Men in green camo suits trotted out, picked him up, and placed him on a stretcher. They tied the stretched to the bottom of the helicopter and flew off. Peering out from the window of the door, Elquila noted the U.S. Army logo painted on the side of the chopper as it flew off. She sat on the stairs and began to shudder. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: All those wives, at home alone, waiting for you. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [104] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here From: Flog Sonata To: Lady Stardust And Her Singing Twin Msg #105, 02-Aug-92 10:58am Subject: Is that a rocket in my pocket? "Shit!" Flog yelled, running forward and scooping up LSd, who had passed out. The evil android beastie seemed immobile, off, anyway. He'd be no threat for now, as long as he wasn't reactivated for future plot devices. Galatea looked stunned. Flog turned to the audience: "Is there a doctor in the house?" he yelled. "I'm a doctor," said a man. "Good, please, help my fiance', she's hurt." "Well, I'm a doctor of philosophy, actually." "What?" "I studied at Carleton. Got a Phd in Philosophy. I guess that won't help." "No, it won't!" Flog yelled. "I could explain to you the philisophical implications of crazed androids running around crushing people's wrists," begged the philosopher. "No, screw off," Flog yelled, "Is there any other doctors here?" "I have a Phd in English," said one man, "I can't help your fiance' but I could give you a critical analysis of the opera." "What opera, we stopped half-way through? And who cares about that right now anyway, my fiance' is hurt!" "You mean this isn't part of the opera?" the English Phd man said. "No, it isn't!" "Damn," the man muttered, "I love character-audience interaction when combined with the operatic verve of..." "SHUT UP," Flog screamed, "NOW IS THERE A REAL FUCKING DOCTOR OR WHAT? A MEDICAL GODDAM FUCKING DOCTOR?" "I'm a doctor," said of man. "A medical doctor?" Flog asked. "Yes." "Really?" "Yes." "Really and truly?" "Yes." "Well you can get up here and..." "Well no, not really. Sorry. I just wanted to say I'm a doctor to impress my girlfriend." "Oh Jonny," the girlfriend said, "you don't have to impress me, I love you!" "Darling," Jonny said getting down on one knee, "will you marry me?" "Look, shut up you, we don't have time for that," Flog yelled. "Oh yes, Jonny, I'll marry you," said the girlfriend. "I'm trying to find a doctor? Hello?" Flog yelled from the stage "She said yes!" the man announced to the remaining audience members. Hearty congratulations and back slapping took place. Flog pulled out his GUN and blew the couple's brains out. "Look," Flog said quietly, "I want a medical doctor right goddam fucking now, or I'll systematically kill the lot of you." It was then that LSd regained consciousness. "It's ok, Flog," she moaned, getting to her feet, "I'm OK." "Really? I just shot those two people for nothing." "You did it for love," LSd said. Flog and LSd embraced, and kissed. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Stay calm, eat these pills, and SING! (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 From: Flog Sonata To: All Msg #106, 02-Aug-92 11:12am Subject: Ooops, never mind... "Oh, good, you're ok, I was worried," Flog babbled. "Why is the audience sneaking off like that?" LSd asked. "Probably the fact that I shot a couple of 'em, makes 'em skittish." It was about then that the building across the street was destroyed in a bombing run. The ground rumbled. "What the hell was that?" Someone ran into the room: "Dan Quayle is outside and he demands to be given Kradomac!" "Kradomac?" LSd muttered. Reg stormed into the room and picked Flog up by his nostrils. "This is all your fault," Reg bellowed, "You and your GUN silliness is going to get the casino destroyed and I'm going to tear off your testicles and eat them." "Put him down Reg," Lsd said, "violence solves nothing." "True," Reg muttered, "but it's fun." "Well, as I see it, there's only one thing we can do," Flog said, straightening his nostrils, "And that's give 'em Cadomark. Let them eat his spleen. Who cares? Chuck the slob to the sharks and let 'em feed, is what I say..." "If we give them Cad, he'll spill the beans about you being involved," LSd pointed out "He's one of us," Flog yelled, "like a brother, can't give him up, honour and all that, loyalty and shit." A random character ran in: "They've spotted Kradomac on the roof," he yelled, "Elquilla stabbed him in the gut!" "What?" LSd yellled. Meanwhile, up on the roof... "Oh, shit," Elquilla said. "Ow... I think I'm bleeding," Cadomark moaned, looking at the red puddle under his tummy. "What have I done? What have I done? I've killed the one man I truly loved!" yelled "Elquilla". "Oh... I never knew I meant that much to you... Elquilla..." Cadomark whispered. "Elquilla?" said "Elquilla", "Oh, you mean this disguise..." The person Cadomark thought was Elquilla ripped off a rubber latex skin to reveal a brown foreign face and a big moustache. "My name is Juan, and I love you Cadomark!" yelled the foreign man. "EW! Where's the real Elquilla?" Cadomark screamed. "I tied her up in her room," explained Juan, "I had to get close to you to kill you for the people's liberation front of west- ottawa..." Meanwhile, things were getting complicated. "There's two men on the roof," someone explained to Dan Quayle, "one is a little brown mexican looking guy, the other is some white local canadian kid." "Well," Dan said, "It's obviously the foreigner that's Kradomac, blow him to smithereens." --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Love Conquers Malls. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 From: Flog Sonata Rec'd To: Cadomark Msg #107, 02-Aug-92 11:24am Subject: Sorry White Boy The helicopter opened fire at Juan, blowing him to bits. His body was thrown off the building by the force of the shots, and he plummeted to his death. "Not that I'm homophobic or anything," Cadomark muttered, "but thank god for that." The american choppers flew off, mission completed. Dan Quayle returned to america and was given a medal of bravery for knowing it's always the little brown guy who's the villain. Elquila was freed from the ropes that bound her in her room. Cadomark was sort of ignored, and bled a lot on the carpet until someone pointed out that he might need a doctor, and Flog got mad and waved his GUN around and started screaming about "Goddam fuggin Doctors" and then Cadomark passed out and Flipper asked what in the hell was going on and all sorts of nastiness ensued. Meanwhile, the robotic body of Colt Birdman had disapeared from the stage. Oh no, wait, there he is. Never mind. ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata Rec'd To: Flog Sonata Msg #108, 02-Aug-92 01:04pm Subject: turn my head with thoughts of summertime LSd had her wrist examined by a *medical* doctor after all the hubbub died down. The doctor looked at her suspiciously. "You have the strangest bone structure I've ever seen," he began. "I'm half cat and half snake," she said innocently. "I'm almost prepared to believe that." He fitted LSd's hand with a jointed metal glove. "Your bones aren't actually broken, they're just stretched against each other in a very peculiar manner. This glove will act as a device to return them to their normal alignment." LSd flexed the glove experimentally and winced. "I'm still a little sore, I see..." "I'll give you something for that," the doctor said, writing out a prescription. "It's pretty heavy though." "I don't like taking drugs," LSd demurred, lighting the prescription paper on fire. The doctor shrugged and left. "Hey! Hey!" Crass slapped against the flaming paper. "Don't waste good Fiorinal! Not only is it a serious depressant, if you smoke it with Windex you see *God*." He scampered off cheerfully with the charred paper. A small man in a tuxedo hurried up to LSd. "Ms Stardust-Sonata? I am Andre Firmin, the owner of the company..." "Yaaaass..." The man wrung his hands together. "The tenor is dead, and the diva incapacitated! I don't see that the opera can go on!" LSd sighed. "Look, why don't I reprogram Colt, the android that killed your tenor, to take the role?" Firmin considered this. "Do you think we could maintain the part where the tenor turns out to be a fake and has killed the real tenor, and runs off with Madame Galatea?" LSd frowned. "Who would play the real tenor then?" Firmin shrugged. "I'm sure we can find some idiot around here willing to run the risk that you've misprogrammed the android and that the android might actually be a savage killer." "Oh Huuuuugh..." sang out LSd. "You want to keep an eye on Gala, right?" Hugh came over from where he had been quietly nursing a drink with Gala, whose iron nerves he was trying to steady. "Yeaahh..." "I have the perfect job for you," said LSd, smiling. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: There was no room for her in his poetic memory. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 *** Witty reply to msg #107. [108] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here From: Lady Stardust-Sonata Rec'd To: Hugh Jardon Msg #109, 02-Aug-92 01:27pm Subject: oh, come on, you'll *like* it That night, LSd took a plaster cast of the face of the dead tenor, and fashioned a likeness for Colt. "LSd," whispered Flog at about 3 am, his genitals throbbing, "why don't we just resurrect the tenor and leave it at that?" "Ssshh," hissed LSd. "That's not so much fun." She put a finishing touch on an eyebrow. * * * Hugh went offstage, cloaked, his part having been rewritten so that he didn't have to sing a single note. Colt smiled disarmingly at him, cloaked as well, and in passing to the stage, whispered: "You don't think you can win her, do you? You think perhaps your human charm will be enough, but I can be anything she's ever wanted in a man, and more. I can do things for her you'll never dream of if we left you with a thousand monkeys banging typewriters for a millenium." He bared his teeth in another attempt at a grin, and stalked onto the stage. Hugh watched the duet, and watched the girl, now carefully coached, run onstage and scream, "The tenor is dead!" Galatea flicked away the cloak and Colt burst into his supplicatory song. Then he grabbed her and sang a new part written last night for the opera: 'Down once more to the dungeon of my black despair! Down we plunge to the prison of my mind!' And they vanished. Hugh waited for them to come up from the rooms under the stage. He waited a while longer. And a while longer. He began to worry. Then he went off to have a drink. About a half hour later, Colt and Galatea showed up at Hugh's favorite nightclub. Colt smiled innocently at Hugh, kissed Gala's hand, and left. "He's very interesting," said Gala, giggling. "Indeed," said Hugh. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: There was only room for her on the carpet. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 [109] Lastest: 142. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: =================================================== harmlesslion.com - Not for Commercial Use